Thursday, October 13, 2005

And you thought YESTERDAY was a downer...

It is just after 3:00 in the morning and I CANNOT sleep. I am really pissed off at this fact because for a while there, I was doing so well. Ok, for a couple weeks anyway.

I was maintaining the whole "get up when Mr. Blogger does and go to sleep at a fairly decent hour" schedule. I was taking a shower in the morning...not at 5:00PM, in the sudden realization that MB was soon to be home and well, I'm sure there are SOME limits to that man's patience...his wife's cleanliness perhaps being one.

I did laundry, and errands and even doctor's appointments. And most importantly, didn't sleep the entire day.

I don't CHOOSE to stay up all night and sleep all day. (I do, in fact, realize that the rest of the world does not operate on a vampire's schedule.) It chooses me. And it always has.

As long as I can remember, if I ever had an extended amount of time off for vacation, holidays, illness, etc., my natural body clock would take over. I would find myself little by little staying up later and sleeping in later, until eventually I truly was completely turned around. Get UP at 9:00 at night and go to BED at noon, I always say.

But it's not just an "I Hate Mornings" lament. It's a "Perhaps I should have been born on the other side of the world" one. Nah, I'd just do the same thing there.

But then again, with all the therapy and self-help stuff I've been involved in lately, I have also realized that as long as I can remember, I also probably had some form of anxiety and/or depression. I'm thinking it all might go hand in hand.

I have often told Mr. Blogger that I feel this strange sense of calm (now stay with me, 'cause it won't make sense to you, but you may see MY logic anyway) being awake when most others aren't.

It's as though I don't have to be afraid. I'm on top of things when no one else is. I don't panic as much over something that's hours away, and there's just TIME.

Time to hang out and reflect and try to pull your shit together when everyone else is sleeping. Time to convince yourself that in the coming hours, it would be a new day, and that one might be better.

But then the sun comes up and the fears all flood back in and I'm reminded of everything I should be doing, or achieving, or just being. I never feel adequate, or accomplished or RIGHT.

So it's so much easier to just go to sleep at that point and avoid it.

Except sometimes, I get so scared that I just don't sleep at all. And then I get sick. And then I go on disability...AGAIN.

So tonight (this morning?), I will attempt to go back to bed, even if it's just for a few hours. I will cuddle up to the warm, stable, loving man who keeps me sane. And I will remember that I have so much to be well FOR.

Yes, yes, yes, the Grammar Freak just ended a sentence with a preposition. But sometimes putting my faults out there is the best thing I can do for myself...and for that man.

We both deserve the effort.


Anonymous kg said...

hang in there, darlin'... remember, sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back... don't be so hard on yourself, K? you are slowly but surely getting your shit together, and it's all good... every once in awhile, if you're up in the wee hours, you get to visit that total calm place and then BE WELL by crawling back into the sack with MB, your hubby who adores you... love and kisses always....

7:04 AM  
Blogger emily said...

i totally understand your logic, and at least you can look at it as you are actually functioning, it just happens to be at perhaps an in-opportune hour. it's better than i used to be. i once managed to get 3 days off and literally slept the entire 3 days straight, when I was working one job part time! (sigh) the good old days... then again i suppose looking at the laundry list of "activities" i chose to partake in at that particular time in my life, anyone would look sane and functioning.

9:23 AM  
Blogger kiwi said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is up at 3/4AM. Except I'm up because I have to pee and then I can't go back to sleep for about an hour because my baby decides to wake up and kick the shit out of her mommy. Believe me, I want to sleep but my vampire child wants to play and of course right now she gets what she wants.

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The other family vampire understands completely. Only I've never been able to figure out WHY I can't stay on the local timetable for a prolonged period. Life is fairly stressless with no anxieties. I've often thought it's because I read before sleeping and sometimes I won't put down the book. After all, where's your value system?

11:50 AM  
Anonymous M-I-L said...

I used to love to get up in the early hours and go out for a walk while no-one else was around! I would also love to stay in bed all day, too. It takes real hard discipline to get myself up in the morning when I've been reading until 3.00 am (yes, me too ;-) ) But if I don't, the wake-at-night-sleep-in-the-day thing becomes a habit that's really hard to break! I've found that, in my experince, you may feel like sh*t but you've got to break that habit! Whatever happened last night, you've got to get your body clock back on track as soon as possible! That's what works best for me, anyway.


12:44 PM  
Anonymous M-I-L said...

Brooke said, "But then the sun comes up and the fears all flood back in and I'm reminded of everything I should be doing, or achieving, or just being. I never feel adequate, or accomplished or RIGHT."

Forgot that I wanted to comment on this.

Brooke, you are a beautiful sweet-natured, caring, intelligent, talented woman. And above all, you are LOVED! By husband, parents, in-laws, step-children and friends. PLEASE love yourself as much as we love you! xxxxxxx

12:53 PM  

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