Wednesday, October 19, 2005

But I did forget to mention that I have strep throat now

Oh boy. I should have known what this would bring. After the myriad phone calls and comments I got yesterday, I wanted to assure everyone that yes, I really am fine. Then again, you’re often reminded that you aren’t allowed to use the word “fine” in the ED unit…that and “full is not a feeling”. Long story.

When I told Mom that my point was never to concern people, or worry anyone, or even to ask for validation, she immediately said, “Well you should say that then!”

But that’s Mom. She wants to make sure that everyone understands me and what I intended with the blogging. I kind of wanted to leave it alone. Heaven help her if I ever get around to writing the book I always wanted to and she immediately has to set out to contact everyone we know to make sure they know I’m really not as bad as I made it seem.

But I always was the perfectly behaved child.

So I hope everyone knows the following:

1. I do believe people when they tell me I am loved. I don’t just believe it, I feel it. I have had more love in my life than many could ever hope for and I never, ever take it for granted. My friends, my family, my pets…you name it…have quite literally saved me too many times to count.

I am reminded DAILY that a husband like mine is the most miraculous and precious gift I have even been given. And you know what? I even agree with the notion that I have given the love that was required to find him. Karma and all that.

2. But believe them when they say I’m beautiful? Sorry guys. I blame no one but myself, and let me get this part clear…I DO NOT EXPECT YOU TO CONVINCE ME. I appreciate all the kind comments, but it’s a challenge that goes too far back for anyone to “fix” but me.

Mr. Blogger tells me on a daily basis how amazing, sexy, gorgeous blah blah blah I am. And it isn’t just to appease me…he REALLY means it. It’s everything I can do to just say “thank you…uh…right back atcha’!”.

I know I’m smart. I know I’m a fairly ok writer as blogs go. I know I am a hard worker, and a caring and supportive friend/daughter/cousin/I hope wife.

I don’t even blame the parents who told me that they “assumed I knew I was pretty and therefore didn’t need to tell me, because don’t intelligent people just pick up on such things?” I really really don’t. These were two HIGHLY intelligent people who also both thought, no, KNEW they were DAMN fine looking as well. Trust me, there was no lack of ego or self esteem there. Their assumption about any offspring from such impeccable genes is COMPLETELY understandable.

That’s MY choice to not have dealt with by now. I mean really, get the fuck over it Brooke. That’s what I tell myself. One day…ONE DAY…I’ll believe it. And if not, well then, I’ll get closer at least.

I do think I have pretty hands and nails though. (See…progress!)

3. Yes, this IS good therapy for me. So expect it to therefore be like me…some days it’s up, some days it’s down. Either way, it’s honest. And I appreciate your patience with my need to express it. I think you know me well enough to know that THIS was never my goal.

(Oh my god…seriously…read that thing. It’s so boring I don’t know who would make it past the third paragraph. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

Damn I’m bitchy!

4. Eminemily…I can always count on you for a break from the touchy feely.

Of COURSE I’ve read Levenkron…fiction and non-fiction alike. And Girl Interrupted. And Prozac Nation (although in that one I did kinda want to slap Elizabeth Wurtzel and tell her to snap out of it!)

And I read them all before some Hollywood actress decided she wanted Oscar-bait and optioned the screenplay.

(I’m also snooty.)

And most importantly, 5. Yes Mom, you reminded me many many times that even if I turned out to be an axe murderer, or drug addict, or even (gasp) a Republican, you would love me anyway. ‘Cause that’s what parents do. They love their children unconditionally. Well, good parents do anyway.

And that you are.


Blogger emily said...

alright alright alright, you've read Levenkron. I was pretty sure you were still here when I was reading it but I couldn't remember for sure.

Damn that other blog was boring. You know I like you and all, but if your blog was like that I can't say I'd still read it every morning. Then I'd have to convince you that I really want to comment but alas, I can't figure out how, it's just the damndest thing.

i'm glad you decided to clarify, i knew those were your intentions however i was pretty sure i was looking like the seriously cold hearted bitch i am to those with a doubt as to your intentions.

oh yeah, and the whole compliment thing, you know the (high pitched voice) "i love you" "you're so beautiful" "you're so talented" (/hpv) yeah, you know those.
No matter what you say you will continue to get those until it gets through your thick head that these things are being said for a reasong and isn't for their health. i swear... you and my wife!

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well said; point made, Mija. I'll miss reading your blog while I'm out of town. XOXO

10:47 AM  
Blogger kiwi said...

I love Prozac Nation. Have you read her other book called Bitch? I just love the title.

2:08 PM  
Anonymous M-I-L said...

Thanks, Emily. Nice touch.

Shall I just fuck off then and keep my thoughts to myself?

Well, that's for Brooke to say, not you.

Oh, and I don't speak in a high pitched voice, either.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...


A flame war...right here on my little ol' blog.

M-I-L: She soooo wasn't directing that at you. I think you misunderstand her. But then again, that's Emily; people misunderstand her when they're standing right in front of her.

She really was trying to tell me to get better at taking her own Emily-like way. Frankly, she was telling me to listen to you!

But you have to remember, she was the woman who scored the lowest score ever on the "feelings" section of a management personality test. But she knows it and really won't be offended by my saying so.

And please don't fuck off by any means. I'll be waiting for that book...

Emily: Ooo boy. Never knew I'd have to defend you to people in cyberspace as well. That ironic sense of humor gets you every time doesn't it.

Does everyone realize when she says "that other blog" she means this one that I pointed out?

To both of each help me in your own inimitable ways. And I wouldn't change a thing.

3:42 PM  
Blogger emily said...

sorry, i usually catch my "this is going to be taken the wrong way" words/paragraphs/tone of voice but i really was just saying to get over the fact that you don't like compliments because it's not going to change. those of us who are fond of you are going to compliment you, even us non-feelers. and if you don't like being complimented, tough! you're just have to "fake it 'til you make it" (ooh, fatal last words)

the high pitched voice: meant to add character and a mocking tone. AS IN: by dismissing the compliments it's as though you're mocking them and therefore the commenter. the "(/hpv)" is a little HTML Coding joke that i'm sure no one understood.

the point: my humor, personality, and feelings are completely misunderstood every day, and most likely every hour. they're all "off" and i'm aware of this fact and therefore apologize if any offense was taken.

p.s. I really did score the lowest EVER on "feeling" points!

p.s.s See there's my "humor" again. i'm relishing in the fact that i have no feelings whatsoever.

5:39 PM  

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