Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Well, I did say I would talk about anything and everything in this blog

Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep.

It's a combination of the coughing and the self-loathing. Can't be sure which is worse. Or which is the better catalyst for insomnia.

But it's making me nuts. And I have a doctor's appointment in a matter of hours, so that should be pleasant to endure while exhausted.

I'm reading some good books though. My latest just arrived today and I tore into it immediately. Mom had given me an Amazon.com gift certificate for my birthday and I finally figured out what I wanted last week.

The resulting order, I believe, encapsulates my personality perfectly:

Shipping estimate for these items: October 18, 2005
Delivery estimate: October 26, 2005

"A Million Little Pieces (Oprah's Book Club)"
James Frey; Paperback; $10.46

"Chariots of Fire (Two-Disc Special Edition)"
Hugh Hudson; DVD; $20.24

"Conair QC1CS Pro Color Accents Temporary Hair Color Kit"
Health and Beauty; $24.88

Yup. Books on addiction, British Academy Award winners, and ways to get the highlights my stylist won't let me do in the normal bleaching way since I already get it chemically straightened and single-process colored and you don't want your hair to fall out now, do you?

That's me all right.

I will state right now that I love love love any books on addiction, recovery, alcoholism, etc...which is strange considering that not only have I never dealt with any of these issues in particular, I've never had so much as a sip of alcohol in my life (control issues much?). This year alone, I've read Dry, Smashed and now A Million Little Pieces.

And drugs? Holy crap...I won't even take Tylenol.

Aaaaaahhhhhh...but my favorite topic of the genre? Eating disorders. And that I CAN relate to. I would say that Wasted is my favorite, but I've read them ALL (and what is the deal with all the one word titles?).

Seeing as how this blog entry began at 3:00 in the morning, you were probably already prepared for the darker tone. Nothing peppy ever happens at that hour, unless you're out on a Saturday night at a really great club, dancing until you can't feel your legs and ready to hit Denny's for a Diet Coke the size of Texas and a big ol' platter of fries to divvy up with that man who not only loves to dance with you, but shares your love of all things greasy in the wee hours.

Anyway, the best thing I could say is that eating disorders, as a whole, and there are a WHOLE LOTTA them, suck. I've been through the anorexic teenage years, the bulimic college years (and post college years...and post marriage years...and pre next-wedding years...oh shit...you get the point...FUCKING BULIMIA STILL HAUNTS ME), the compulsive overeating I'm-a-responsible-adult-with-responsibilities years, the compulsive exercising 'cause-I-need-to-get-all-that-compulsive-overeating-weight-off adult years, etc. etc. etc.

And they all are a big fat (excuse the pun) waste of time. And energy. And heartache. And perfectly good teeth that are now starting to number more crowns than actual teeth.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn't hate my weight and appearance more at this moment, except maybe if I went bald or something. But I am not willing to go down that road AGAIN. It's been 26 goddam years since "The Summer I Decided to Stop Eating" started a trend that has gotten really, really old. I don't mind talking about it now solely because of the fact that I just don't see succumbing to it as a possibility any more.

So I am unashamed. Three stints in three separate eating disorder units of three different hospitals in three different states will finally add up to something, if you just let it.

But books about it? Bring it on! I can't get enough of both the fiction and non-fiction, clinical and flowery, 12-step and self-help volumes that threaten to take over my library. I guess I never want to get too cocky about my unwillingness to relapse. That's another thing they teach you.

Then again, when I was moving to the UK and trying to decide what books, videos and DVDs to bring...Mom took one look at the inventory and declared, "You have a definite dark side there, kid."

But as I said earlier, that's me all right. And that's ok.


Anonymous M-I-L said...

PLEEEEEZE! Brooke :-(

Don't hate yourself so! WHY don't you believe people when they tell you you are beautiful and loved? It makes me very sad, and I wish I were there to give you a {{{{BIG HUG}}}}

I'm going to send you a little book - call it a late / extra birthday gift! It's called 'The Lady who was Beuatiful Inside'. I think it might have been written just for you ;-)

Love you V. V. much xxxxx

5:00 AM  
Anonymous KG said...

brookie... ya gotta cut the crap with the self loathing... you are a beautiful woman and an AMAZING friend and we LOVE YOU just the way you are... so what if you weigh more than you really want to right now? you can always fix that part later, i promise! believe me when i say i have BEEN there! when you're trying for pregnancy and all that hormonal stuff that goes with it... you can't be too concerned with the few extra pounds....

and yes, my dear girlfriend, i admit to having no idea of the mental torment that goes along with eating disorders, so the only thing i can say is that when you need someone to "vent" to, i am always here... willing ear, ready to listen and tell you that when you have beautiful skin and beautiful face and beautiful hands and beautiful HAIR like YOU DO, that the weight can be dealt with by you whenever you have the time and energy to do so...

in the meantime, miss talented-in-a-million-ways mexican who shows NO SIGNS of aging WHATSOEVER (bitch;))....just know that WE ALL LOVE YOU more than anything, and I for one, treasure our verrrry long and loving friendship like no other....

hugs and kisses always.....

8:49 AM  
Anonymous Steph said...

Brooke, I completely agree with the above comments. I'm also really enjoying reading your blog everyday. I keep finding out more things we have in common, i.e. still coughing from a cold I caught on my birthday, a dark side, a foul mouth, and loving the man, " who not only loves to dance with you, but shares your love of all things greasy in the wee hours."

Keep blogging! It's good therapy for not only you but everyone who loves you.

11:37 AM  
Blogger emily said...

ok ok ok, the above comments are too touchy feely for ye-who-have-no-feelings-whatsoever so i'm going to stick with the i-can-rival-and-therefore-relate-to-your-dark-side bit. first off, i can't believe in a post like this you didn't mention "girl, interrupted." it's like the quintessential dark side book. but please PLEASE tell me you've read some of steven levenkron's works because he is AMAZING. And not just his novels, but his scholarly works as well, you would LOVE them. Especially if you read them coincidingly. (yes i just made up that word and i'm ok with it)

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what I've always said: "I love you no matter what!" Try to remember it and everything that goes with it. XOXO

12:22 PM  
Blogger kiwi said...

I'm surprised at how well you kept your dark side from us whom you used to work with. We all have a dark side and you wouldn't believe what mine is. But that will remain a secret. I'm leaving in 2 days!!!!!!!!!!

12:58 PM  

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