Well, I did say I would talk about anything and everything in this blog

Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep.

It's a combination of the coughing and the self-loathing. Can't be sure which is worse. Or which is the better catalyst for insomnia.

But it's making me nuts. And I have a doctor's appointment in a matter of hours, so that should be pleasant to endure while exhausted.

I'm reading some good books though. My latest just arrived today and I tore into it immediately. Mom had given me an Amazon.com gift certificate for my birthday and I finally figured out what I wanted last week.

The resulting order, I believe, encapsulates my personality perfectly:

Shipping estimate for these items: October 18, 2005
Delivery estimate: October 26, 2005

"A Million Little Pieces (Oprah's Book Club)"
James Frey; Paperback; $10.46

"Chariots of Fire (Two-Disc Special Edition)"
Hugh Hudson; DVD; $20.24

"Conair QC1CS Pro Color Accents Temporary Hair Color Kit"
Health and Beauty; $24.88

Yup. Books on addiction, British Academy Award winners, and ways to get the highlights my stylist won't let me do in the normal bleaching way since I already get it chemically straightened and single-process colored and you don't want your hair to fall out now, do you?

That's me all right.

I will state right now that I love love love any books on addiction, recovery, alcoholism, etc...which is strange considering that not only have I never dealt with any of these issues in particular, I've never had so much as a sip of alcohol in my life (control issues much?). This year alone, I've read Dry, Smashed and now A Million Little Pieces.

And drugs? Holy crap...I won't even take Tylenol.

Aaaaaahhhhhh...but my favorite topic of the genre? Eating disorders. And that I CAN relate to. I would say that Wasted is my favorite, but I've read them ALL (and what is the deal with all the one word titles?).

Seeing as how this blog entry began at 3:00 in the morning, you were probably already prepared for the darker tone. Nothing peppy ever happens at that hour, unless you're out on a Saturday night at a really great club, dancing until you can't feel your legs and ready to hit Denny's for a Diet Coke the size of Texas and a big ol' platter of fries to divvy up with that man who not only loves to dance with you, but shares your love of all things greasy in the wee hours.

Anyway, the best thing I could say is that eating disorders, as a whole, and there are a WHOLE LOTTA them, suck. I've been through the anorexic teenage years, the bulimic college years (and post college years...and post marriage years...and pre next-wedding years...oh shit...you get the point...FUCKING BULIMIA STILL HAUNTS ME), the compulsive overeating I'm-a-responsible-adult-with-responsibilities years, the compulsive exercising 'cause-I-need-to-get-all-that-compulsive-overeating-weight-off adult years, etc. etc. etc.

And they all are a big fat (excuse the pun) waste of time. And energy. And heartache. And perfectly good teeth that are now starting to number more crowns than actual teeth.

Don't get me wrong. I couldn't hate my weight and appearance more at this moment, except maybe if I went bald or something. But I am not willing to go down that road AGAIN. It's been 26 goddam years since "The Summer I Decided to Stop Eating" started a trend that has gotten really, really old. I don't mind talking about it now solely because of the fact that I just don't see succumbing to it as a possibility any more.

So I am unashamed. Three stints in three separate eating disorder units of three different hospitals in three different states will finally add up to something, if you just let it.

But books about it? Bring it on! I can't get enough of both the fiction and non-fiction, clinical and flowery, 12-step and self-help volumes that threaten to take over my library. I guess I never want to get too cocky about my unwillingness to relapse. That's another thing they teach you.

Then again, when I was moving to the UK and trying to decide what books, videos and DVDs to bring...Mom took one look at the inventory and declared, "You have a definite dark side there, kid."

But as I said earlier, that's me all right. And that's ok.