P.S. "F" off and die

I am NOT in the mood for this shit, but here is the exact letter we received yesterday (all bold, caps and italics are theirs, not mine):

Blah Blah Recreation Association

November 10, 2005

Joe and Jane Smith
12345 Main Street
San Diego CA 12345

RE: DRIVEWAY / STREET PARKING - Hearing
12345 Main Street

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith:

It has been brought to the attention of the Board of Directors that you or your tenants are continuing to park a commercial Zee Medical service truck in the driveway despite our earlier notice of violation. Please be reminded that Section 12 of the CC&R's states:

"No commercial truck, camper, trailer, boat of any kind or other single or multi-purpose engine-powered vehicle, other than a standard automobile or an approved golf cart, shall be parked on any Lot except temporarily and solely for the purpose of loading or unloading unless parked within the garage."

We are hereby requesting that you discontinue parking this vehicle in the driveway immediately to avoid fines and possible legal action.

As this is your third (3rd) notice, you are hereby called to a hearing before the Board of Directors on Wednesday, January 18, 2006, at 3:30 p.m. in the clubhouse located at 54321 Main Street. The hearing will be held immediately after the meeting. If you wish to be heard in Open Session, you may do so or if you wish for a private audience with the Board in Executive Session, you will need to wait until all business has been completed. Failure to appear or to submit a written response to the Board, in care of the management company at least 24 hours in advance of the hearing may result in fines being imposed or other enforcement actions, per the Association's fine enforcement policy.

If you have questions or require further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact Management via any of the contact information provided in the heading of this letter.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation.

Sincerely,
Blah Blah Board of Directors

Of course I called AGAIN this morning to ask where exactly they're getting this misinformation. It was apparently due to a "letter of complaint". I swear to god, I'm going to start blanketing the neighborhood with letters saying 'WHO HERE HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CAUSE US TROUBLE?"

When I commented that a hearing ON A WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON was not exactly the most convenient time for NORMAL PEOPLE WHO WORK ON WEEKDAYS, I was told that oh goody, there happens to be a meeting today and if I could email something very quickly, she would make sure it was submitted.

My response:

To Whom it May Concern:

Regarding the letter to 12345 Main Street, dated November 10, we would like to refute and/or state the following:

1. This letter is addressed to Joe and Jane Smith. I don't know the exact date, but am aware that our current landlord, Jody Jones purchased this home almost a year ago. As the tenants, we have sent any letters addressed to the Smiths as "Return to Sender" or "Not at This Address".

2. We therefore have possibly received more than one other notice, but to our recollection, this is only the second. After acknowledging the previous letter of approximately one month ago, I immediately contacted Ms. Snootypants at the Association and told her that our neighbors had in fact told us to STOP PARKING ON THE STREET, as it was in violation of association rules, and we followed their advice to ONLY PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY. This declaration was given to us in the form of an anonymously typed note left on the van's windshield.

3. We had now been told by the association that this was quite the opposite of the rules. We IMMEDIATELY abided by what Snootypants informed me, and have parked the Zee Medical van (my husband's company car which he drives back and forth to work) on the street ever since.

4. As a matter of fact, our next door neighbor (Nosy McNoserson) came over to complain of it being parked on the street and was quite shocked when we told her of your letter informing us she was incorrect.

5. Our two personal vehicles are parked in the garage and the van can therefore not be stowed there.

6. If it has been in the driveway AT ALL, it has only been for loading and unloading purposes, as my husband needs to do so with supplies. Overnight, it has WITHOUT FAIL been parked on the street.

7. After Mrs. McNoserson complained of it blocking her view, we have even taken the trouble to park it across the street, not in front of ANYONE'S home, so as not to disturb or inconvenience anyone any further.

8. As we have done anything and everything to attempt to make all parties satisfied, we feel any complaint which resulted in your letter is of little to no validity.

We therefore wish to respectfully state that the information resulting in the proposed hearing is false. Any fines imposed would be without merit and vigorously opposed.

If you wish to discuss this with us further, we would be happy to do so at a convenient time for all.

Sincerely,
Brooke and Mr. Blogger
123-456-7890

I CANNOT WAIT to see what happens next. I'm telling you though, if they even TRY to fine us, I'm installing a video camera to show where the van is parked EVERY FREAKING NIGHT.

They soooo do not want me at that hearing. TRUST ME.