Friday, January 20, 2006

Getting there


Since it's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep anyway, I figured it was time to come out of hibernation. I have finally read through all your comments, and no Emily, I didn't know 30-some people even read my blog, let alone could be so caring.

I guess it's true that in times of crisis or pain, you find out what people are made of. I have learned that as much as I hurt, in ways both obvious and unfathomable, you have all helped me to know I'm not alone. I know I have my friends and my family and most importantly Mr. Blogger to get me through this...that has never been in doubt.

But I never really knew that complete strangers whom I've never met, nor laid eyes on, could be so ready to lend a hug, or an "I'm sorry" or an open heart full of compassion.

In addition to the comments, I've received emails from random readers who happened upon my story. Some could relate. Some wanted to offer a story of hope. And some were just kind enough to write. That is more than I ever thought I deserved.

I noticed that some of you even mentioned me in your own blogs and asked others to come on over and offer support. That is beyond appreciated and I am truly touched.

To all of you, a simple "thank you" could never be enough. I hope you know how much your words of sympathy meant to me. I can't begin to repay you for your thoughtfulness. I can only say that it meant a lot.

A LOT.

Now, the truth is that I'm still somewhat in a self-wallowing phase. I'm pissed off and hurt and angry and disappointed and embarrassed...and a slew of other adjectives that all somehow don't seem strong enough to describe what I feel.

Physically this is different than any of my previous experiences in that it seems to be taking FOREVER to complete and every day I face the crippling pain and blinding headaches and I keep wondering when the hell it will be over.

I feel punished for being hopeful. I feel punished for my pride in being pregnant to begin with. I can't figure out what I've done to have FOUR. MOTHER. FUCKING. MISCARRIAGES. But I must have done something horrific, because it appears someone wants me to pay.

I know I'm being irrational, but none if it IS rational. It doesn't make any sense to me, so I search for reasons. And I apologize for perhaps being melodramatic, but I can't help it. Give me time.

So I cry. Over and over and over until I have nothing left.

I shudder at the remembrance of being in the shower Monday afternoon and screaming because I couldn't stop the flooding that brought upon the hideous resemblance to some kind of crime scene in my bathroom.

But before that I had no warning this time. No spotting. No cramping. Just some very slight dull pain that afternoon that did make me call the doctor who of course, said not to worry.

I had JUST called MB and said if this didn't get better by Tuesday, I was going to go to Urgent Care. Just to make sure everything was ok before he left for London on Wednesday.

Not more than half an hour later I called him in complete terror and said he needed to come home. NOW.

The doctor we saw that evening was really very kind and sweet and understanding. I'm sure I looked like a ghost and she knew not to ruffle me much. She tried to give me hope after the physical exam by saying that the good news was that my cervix was still closed and many women experience some bleeding in their first trimester.

But you can't say that to a woman who knows better. A woman who NEVER seems to be in that group of "...and everything turned out just fine".

So my betas were zero. ZERO. Who knows how long this had been going on. And of course I played my "I told you so" card.

I haven't been super pleasant to be around lately. I didn't want to talk to ANYONE for a few days and my poor husband has run many an errand to ply me with Diet Dr. Pepper and chocolate chip cookies and anything I may need to make me feel better. Of course none of it does.

MB didn't get to go to London, although I did try to convince him he should, because I didn't want him to disappoint his kids. I feel AWFUL about that. But he wouldn't leave me. I should have known he would not be swayed.

I'll be even more brutally honest with you now (if I haven't already lost you with my tales of woe...I'm sorry for being so graphic but I have to get this out).

I don't know if I can keep going through this. It's getting to be too much. I have a feeling that I'll probably be pregnant again at some point if we continue to try (after one particular miscarriage, I was pregnant the very next month), but do I want to be? Well, of course I want to be. But do I want to risk this outcome, is I suppose the better question.

We have a follow-up appointment with my OB in a few weeks, but what else can she do? She already tested me for everything after the last time.

It's just this simple. I'm old. And my eggs are old and apparently chromosomally unsound. I can't do ANYTHING about that.

Maybe it's a crapshoot. ONE OF THEM has to finally be ok. Right? Well, that's what I told myself this time too.

In the meantime, I HATE that every time I get pregnant I have to tell everyone that I'm not anymore. I HATE that I still haven't yet told my step-dad and step-brother and his wife...whom I had JUST told I was pregnant a few days before.

I HATE that I am battling some pretty horrible cramping right now in the battle to stay upright and write this in the need for catharsis.

Most of all, I HATE that I feel broken.

No prescription strength pain reliever is going to fix that.

32 Comments:

Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Oh, Brooke. What can I say? You have every right to be angry. Don't give up hope though. You are the only one who knows when enough trying is enough. Maybe it won't be a baby you carry in your womb but maybe one you adopt and carry IN YOUR ARMS home.

You sound like such an amazing, smart, sound person that I have no doubt you will come out of this stronger.

3:44 AM  
Anonymous m-i-l said...

Dearest Brooke, of course you feel as you do now, and I would never, never, want you to feel this way again. But now is not the time to decide if you can stand the pain and anguish of trying again. Not yet. Wait.

It may be that you really, really don't want to risk putting yourselves in this place ever again. But. Now. Is. Not. The. Time. To. Decide!

I have sent you a book by the world expert on recurrent miscarriage - Professor Lesley Regan - called "Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs To Know". Read it and take your time to think about your choices.

I so wish I could be there for you both! Do call me or email any time.

Much love xxxx

4:29 AM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Brooke, I've been thinking of you a lot this week. I'm "new" to your blog and didn't realize until I read this post that you have had multiple miscarriages. I'm sorry that you've been through this before so many times.

Your feelings are completely justified; I can relate to some of them because I've been there. Be good to yourself -- only you can decide if you want to try again and I agree that now is not the time to make that decision. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and to sort through those feelings. And hang in there, girl. I'm thinking of you.

5:40 AM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Again, I am so sorry! I had one miscarriage almost 11 years ago. I cannot tell you how many times I stop to wonder what baby would have looked like, were they a boy or a girl? Was it my only girl? So, when I try to multiply this by 4 my heart just aches for you.

Don't be embarrassed, give yourself the time you need to heal, both physically and emotionally.

I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through this again and I cannot imagine how hard it would be to give up, but I agree with m-i-l, you should not decide now. Whatever you do, we are here to support you.

Take care.

5:55 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Time helps...but it's the slowest of the pain relievers. Still thinking about you.

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I wish I could offer more than words, some panacea to make everything better. I know there's nothing that will really help except maybe time. Take care of yourself. I am thinking of you.

6:52 AM  
Anonymous V-GrrrlI said...

Wouldn't it be nice if we could get together and throw plates against a wall or stomp glass or do something that conveys the anger and anguish, the feeling of being brittle and broken and not able to come together again? I've said it before: when life lacks a good ritual, we need to invent our own.

My kids have been after me to reinstate a prayer time with them, something that got left behind with our life in the States. Last night we made a prayer list, and when little E-Grrrl saw your name and I told her your story, she cried. And we all prayed. You two have a lot of pain to carry. It won't lessen, but you'll get strong enough to bear it.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I'm so sorry, Brooke. We are here for you. You are remarkably brave and eloquent.

Please treat yourself as well as you possibly can. Cookies, new boots, funny books...whatever you want that is comforting. Let Mr. Blogger and your family help you and be good to you; you deserve it.

7:26 AM  
Anonymous Amber said...

I can't even start to imagine what you're feeling, but I just wanted you to know that you're in my prayers. *hug*

7:59 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

You have me balling at work. BALLING. I am so sorry girl. You have been in my thoughts so much this week. I don't go to church, but I had my Grandmother pray for you for me. This isn't your fault. This isn't some sort of punishment. You are a GOOD person. A kind person. A loving person. You of all people have no right to this much pain. I'm here for you Brooke. I know that's not much. But it's everything I have to offer.

8:28 AM  
Blogger The Queen Mama said...

I'm so very sorry you're going through this, and that you have gone through it so many times.

I know the feeling of "am I being punished?" too. It's kind of weird...for me, almost an out-of-body kind of thing.

But I'm so sorry you're feeling all these horrible emotions. Broken, and pissed off, and bitter, and sad, and losing all hope. I will be keeping you and your husband in my prayers. Don't feel like you have to make any decisions anytime soon. Just a day at a time, dear.

8:42 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

If I may interject just a bit of comic relief here....Tink, please don't take this as bitchy; I only mean it to be funny. I think you meant "bawling." "Balling" is something else entirely. This I know from once watching an interview with Marilyn Chambers. (Okay, twice.)

Laughter is GOOD, ladies.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

LMAO! Oh that's exactly what I meant. *Slaps forehead* What time was that? 8:28am? Yeah... I didn't have my daily quota of coffee yet. Balling. Jesus.

10:17 AM  
Blogger V said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this again. I just can't imagine...and I know it must be SO hard to decide if the possibility is worth the pain its brought with it. I wish I had something magical for you.

10:20 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Whatever you decide, it's what you have to do for yourself and MB. No one else has a right to judge you for any choice you make. And you don't have to make any decisions right now.
Thank you for writing so beautifully about something so horrific and heart wrenching. Thank you for reaching out.
Brooke, I am here for you in whatever capacity you need me to be. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Try as hard as you can to focus on you right now. Be gentle with yourself and take good care.
Thinking of you and sending as much peace and happiness as I can muster.

1:40 PM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

I'll pray for you and MB. I'm sorry. "Just keep swimming."

1:52 PM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

You have every right to feel however you feel at this point. And it'll change day to day. Let yourself cry, eat cake or whatever you need to do. And just a God Bless Mr. Blogger for all his support and heartache as well.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Melanhead said...

Please cry and wallow as much as you need to. It will help you heal and grow stronger. I pray for you, that whatver is the right to happen, will happen.

And I'm glad my Flipper sound byte made you laugh.

6:24 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Brooke, you are very brave for sharing this with us, and I am amazed at your ability to work through your sadness in this sort-of public way. It seems like your healing process is so much more effective than the way some women deal with grief, and it also sounds like Mr. Blogger is right there with you every step of the way. I am thinking of you tonight and hoping that tomorrow is brighter for you.
xxoo

7:14 PM  
Blogger emily said...

in my defense i had something all worked up to say that was like supportive and feely and shit (especially as being our phone calls lately consist of "you haven't commented yet!") but now i just have "just keep swimming" going round and round in my head.... which you know leads to thoughts of Gary talking whale... and all adult rational thought is GONE.

oh well. i tried.

8:50 PM  
Blogger No name said...

Brooke -- I've been lurking for weeks (ok, months) on your blog (as with almost everyone else's blog that has commented here).

During these weeks I've started my own blog, deleted it, started again, deleted it and started again. Why? I just can't seem to get it "right" in my mind. Now I realize that it's not about getting it "right" -- it's about SHARING [insert light-bulb moment here].

My point? I'm getting to it. Here's the first part: I suffer from horrible, terrible headaches. The kind that last 8 hours and make keeping down food out of the question. So ugly are these that I have given up movies, concerts, large crowds, certain foods, etc. I've given up all of my "triggers" and I still get these horrible visits from the headache fairy (the Bitch!). While I'm well most of the time, many times I've have been in bed with a headache so blinding that my thoughts drift to, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? Was I a bad person in another life?"

Okay, I'm getting to my point now and it's this: I have NO RIGHT to think these things ANYMORE. NO. RIGHT. Why? You.

Yes, You. You have put my pain into perspective. From now on, my mantra will not be, "Why me?" It's gonna be, "it's just a headache".

You see, my pain is the kind that comes, passes and gets FORGOTTEN.

I struggled with whether or not to comment because "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it but I'm limited by words and so I'll say it. I'm Sorry, Brooke and Mr. Blogger. I'm so Sorry for your pain. And Thank YOU for helping me with mine.

12:31 AM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Brooke, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please, wallow all you need to, and feel free to do it here. Writing about your feelings, however hard it is to do, may help. Please don't feel you have to be funny or witty for us. We'll keep reading anyway.

4:52 AM  
Anonymous MB (the other one) said...

Brooke, your amazing strength, humor, honesty and genuine goodness will get you through this hard time, not to mention your family and friends.....all of whom will be there for you and Mr.B no matter what happens, or doesn't happen, in the future. Know that YOU ARE LOVED.

4:40 PM  
Blogger No name said...

Thank you for the kind words back on my own blog. You hit the nail on the head: being in pain does suck. But as my husband just succinctly put it, my headaches don't leave emotional scars. In fact, they don't leave any trace at all (except the lost hours spent in bed). That's what I meant when I said your pain puts my own into perspective. That was an unexpected gift from you and I'm grateful. Be well and know you're in my thoughts.

9:50 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Still thinking of you often. I'm so glad that you have a network of caring friends (both in the blogosphere and in real life!) to help you through this.

Your words are affecting a lot of people! And we're all here for you to rant to and talk to. I hope it's getting better - as much as it can, so early on.

8:26 AM  
Anonymous kate said...

You are very much in my thoughts right now.

-Love,

Kate

6:38 PM  
Anonymous kona girl said...

hello, girlfriend...

just wanted to tell you that i love you and MB, and i am SOOO sorry for your pain... just know that you both are ALWAYS in my heart and in my thoughts... don't ever be embarrassed, brookie, and most of all don't ever feel bad about LEANING on those who love you dearly...

we are here for you because we care so deeply about your happiness... this is not punishment, honee, this is your mountain, and i promise we will ALL help you climb it... love and kisses from me and HHC... XOXOX

10:39 PM  
Anonymous M&Co. said...

I'm so sorry.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

Just wanted to check in again and let you know that I'm still thinking of you daily.

4:18 PM  
Blogger #1 Dancer said...

Hey Brooke... Thinking and praying for you... still... We miss you.

8:07 PM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Hey, I tagged you.. Please don't hate me!

8:40 AM  
Blogger TP said...

Brooke, I just stumbled across your site. I am so sorry.
I hope you and your partner can help one another through what must be a very difficult time.

8:17 AM  

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