Friday, January 13, 2006

Sticks of butter consumed while in the throes of depression*

*Courtesy of A Little Pregnant

As usual around here, life sure ain't boring.

Yesterday was spent hauling Emily, her wife and their sperm around (I'll let her tell the story), so I was just too tired when I got home to blog much. Lately I'm too tired to do ANYTHING much. (You really can stop thanking me too, Em...I'm ALL OVER helping anyone in their quest for babydom. Especially you and Madge.)

Ok, I also sat down and HAD to watch about four hours of the US Figure Skating Championships, so that may have prevented me from sitting on this ass-numbing cement chair as well.

(Shit, you know what? My blog is turning into one of those "and then I went shopping where I bought all these super cute outfits I have pictured here..." monstrosities, isn't it? I always vowed not to bore my reader. Can we blame my utter lack of originality on The Peanut sapping my brain?)

In preparation for my interview this morning, I had more impressive memorizing of mundane data from that bank to do as well. I had to make another brag book, make sure my suit was still clean and polish my shoes. The things we do to impress a prospective employer.

But it went well, I think, and I am pretty thrilled at the prospect of working LITERALLY five minutes from my house. But I try not to get my hopes up about stuff lately. And they won't get my background check back for at least a week, so I need to get my mind off of it.

Speaking of which, I need to confess something.

I'm pretty freakin' terrified, and as much as I try try TRY not to think about it, it's two weeks to my first ultrasound and I just feel no hope.

I keep telling Mr. Blogger, "I just don't FEEL pregnant!". I have no nausea, no morning sickness, no nada. I am tired, but what else is new, and I do have to go to the bathroom at least every couple hours, but then maybe I just have been drinking a lot more.

I know, I'm only 5 weeks and 3 days, so I shouldn't worry yet. But don't forget that each of my previous pregnancies ended around this point, although I never knew it until around my 8th week. The hell of knowing you were just be-bopping around without a care in the world for at least THREE WEEKS, when you weren't even really pregnant anymore...well, it gets to me. A LOT.

I am on the progesterone suppositories for the first time during pregnancy, but even that doesn't guarantee anything. And those were frankly prescribed to me in the EVENT that lack of progesterone was my issue. None of my multitude of hard-to-pronounce tests really confirmed a damn thing. Other than that they couldn't find anything really wrong with me.

Mom always tells me I should be THANKFUL for not feeling sick, considering she had morning sickness (actually more like all-day sickness) every stinkin' day for the entire pregnancy. And she was a teacher, so every time she had to run to the bathroom, she had to make sure another teacher was covering her class. Sorry Mamacita. I guess I was a trouble-maker.

I may just be catastrophizing, but it seems like my boobs aren't as sore as they used to be either. Yes, you have entered the TMI zone. Love it or leave it.

I just feel supremely suspect over whether or not anything is still going on in there, especially since I keep reading those DAMN PREGNANCY BOARDS where everyone is bragging about their beta numbers, or multitude of symptoms, or worse yet, letting everyone know their bad news (this is inevitably titled "Back from OB" with an accompanying sad face symbol and "Angel Baby in Heaven" blinkie). Shoot me now.

I know I need to stay positive. I know I need to relax. And I do try, really. You wouldn't BELIEVE how much deep breathing and visualizing I do. And can I just say that I'm personally really proud that I've managed to not freak out about also trying to go back to work in the midst of all this. Usually just interviewing alone would have me a nervous wreck.

Sorry to be such a damn broken record these days. I know there's nothing anyone can say or do, other than to hope for the best. I just wanted to put it out there that I'm kind of tired of pretending I'm not really REALLY scared.

You know you're bad when you HOPE for the puking.


Anonymous Jess said...

To me? You make a lot of sense. I've never been pregnant, but I know I would be beyond nervous if I had no symptoms. And I would be nervous if I had symptoms. I would just be . . .nervous.

I'm really pulling for you. And I love that ticker. You KNOW how I feel about tickers and baby dust.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

When I was pregnant, I felt pretty normal -- never sick, never really different at all. I almost didn't believe it until I started showing. I know for you there's a whole lot of reasons that it doesn't seem real yet, and why you are concerned about having no signs. I hope it all works out AND that you have one of those really easy pregnancies.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous MB said...

OK, putting my childbirth educator hat on for a moment here....(yes, I'll be your birth doula for free if you'd like!)....ALL of your symptoms, or lack thereof, are completely normal. In fact, there is no "normal" when it comes to human gestation - some lucky women never ever have sore boobs, some do the whole time - same goes for nausea, and every other little or big annoyance of pregnancy. I'm with your Mom - having been someone who puked daily for 8 weeks- be thankful for small favors. You might be sick as a dog in 2 weeks, or you might sail through the entire time without one fun upchucking incident. And, you wouldn't be human if you weren't terrified at some point about is human nature to think the worst at times when you are doing something as miraculous as producing another human being inside your body. I would worry about you if you weren't terrified. I know how safe you are being about everything that *is* within your control, so you've gotta let go with what you have *no* control over - good practice for when you are the mother of a 2 year old! I say, set aside 10 minutes of each day to worry and think the worst, then enjoy the rest of your day.

MB (now stepping off soapbox)

6:07 PM  
Blogger aka Brandi said...

Put DOWN the mouse and back away from the Internet Boards! They will only make you crazy and make your mind fling far and wide for horrifying impossibilities and elusive symptoms. Try just to Be (as much as you can, under the circumstances anyway). (Meanwhile, I'll send up prayers for wellness.) :)

7:16 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I don't blame you for worrying, I was just as worried each time I was pregnant. However, you are doing the best you can for peanut and stop worrying about things you cannot control. I wonder why the don't give you the ultrasound I had one at about 5 or 6 weeks along.

I will cross my fingers for you 5 minute commute.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

If it makes you feel any better, my cousin had no nausea or morning sickness. Her only real symptom was fatigue, and she gave birth to a healthy full-term baby. Maybe you're just one of the lucky nausea-free ones. Still, I can imagine how sucky this limbo-time must be. I'll be thinking about you!

8:27 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Tired is also a good sign. A really good sign. Some people just never get sick. Some are sick nonstop and some just get a little queasy and then it goes away. There's no set formula.

And the boob thing...well...that's gonna fluctuate, too. It's hard to be calm, and we know you're trying. We're thinking about you.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous m-i-l said...

Brooke, every one of my five pregnancies was different. With some I felt sick in the mornings. With some I felt sick in the evenings. With some I didn't feel sick at all. With some I had sore boobs. With some I didn't have sore boobs. With one I started bleeding at about 20 weeks and had to go to bed for a week. (That one still eventually arived late! Did I tell you I carry 9 and a half months? That old '40 weeks' bit is only an average!)

Tired is your body's way of making you take it easy. Go with it.

However: I know it's hard for all the woman who are so desperately trying to get pregnant or to hang onto precarious pregnancies to realise, but there are many women out there who are unhappy to be pregnant, and who try desperately to end their pregnancies by taking things, doing things to themselves, whatever. And their pregnancies survive!

I have to remind you that, most of the time, nothing you do or don't do will make a blind bit of difference to your pregnancy!

Now, I know this is not always true, but it is true more often than not. If it weren't, the human race probably wouldn't have survived! (And there certainly wouldn't be so many unwanted babies born!)

If Peanut is well and strong and your body is working OK, your pregnancy will be OK. If something is wrong with one or the other, it may not. You should, of course, look after yourself and take care but, at the end of the day, what will be will be. I know this won't stop you worrying, but try to be philosophical!

You are already doing all you can. Que sera, sera! :-)

Much love xxxx

12:26 AM  
Blogger G/\R*E said...

You need to RELAX Brookie Poo. Not every woman gets sick during her preg. Tired is a good sign and peeing every min is also a good sign. So there you go, two really good signs of being Prego.

As for the job thing, you are the last person I would think of to give a bad impression during an interview. You are very smart and immediately likeable.

So stop stressing and watch more figure skating. You know the Winter Olympics are coming can watch bobsledding too!

4:04 AM  
Blogger kiwi said...

No body blames you for being scared or for writing about it frequently. It's your blog and you can write about whatever the hell you want! Everything will be fine. You know how I was. I didn't have any symptoms and didn't find out about Mina until I was almost done with my first trimester. Now Mina will have a play buddy, although she'll be almost a year older than your little Peanut. Oh, and I believe in "pregnancy brain" 100%. It's soooo not a myth. I still have "pregnancy brain" and I'm not even pregnant anymore! Don't forget to think of me when you become manager of this bank/cu. Emily shouldn't be the only lucky one to get out of this HELL HOLE! I'll post some more pics of Mina this weekend.

9:14 AM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Coming out of lurkdom to wish you the very, very best! I'm sure you've heard it before but I think the fact that you're tired and tinkling frequently are good signs. Take care of yourself and although easier said than done, try not to worry too much about it. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Melanhead said...

I'm with Paige - stay away from those internet boards. Those things can be evil - regardless of whether you are expecting, have a newborn, toddler, etc.

I would stick to something like WebMD when you are not communicating with your doctor on the phone or in person.

7:09 PM  
Blogger emily said...

lemme try and give you some new and creative advice, completely unlike any you've ever heard.




There, did that help?

10:32 PM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

I've never been in your shoes, so I'm not sure if my thoughts would help. But, usually I start to obsess about things over which I have NO CONTROL. Obsessing about it makes me FEEL like I'm doing something, even though I'm really not. So, I pray to get over the obsession in my mind. It helps. You might want to give it a try. Oh, and if I misspelled obsess...i'm sorry!

4:06 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

You see how crazy you just sounded? You must be still preggers cuz having kids removes brain cells and makes us act whacky.

Seriously, keeping you in my prayers. Being tired IS a good sign.

8:42 PM  
Blogger #1 Dancer said...

Hey Brooke...
I know they drove me crazy back when me and DH were TTC (Ha. Had to throw that in there) so I KNOW they can really freak you out after you get the HPT. I thought the 2WW was bad. This sounds worse.
I'd say tiredness is a good sign, and my sis didn't have M/S until week 8. P&PT and don't worry about boring us. We'll come anyway!!!

6:43 AM  
Blogger V said...

I had NO symptoms when I was pregnant. I got a pisser of a cold, but I think that was just coincidence and December. Just stay calm....maybe you're one of the lucky ones that WON'T get sick and sore and will have a healthy beautiful little one regardless. (I was...and its a nice way to go!)

7:38 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

I have absolutely nothing to add that these fantastic people haven't. So I'll pass out hugs instead... (((((Brooke)))))Breathe girl. We're all praying for you.

12:01 PM  

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