What, me worry?

I know what you're thinking.

Oh SUUUUURE, now that she's all knocked up and everything, she seems to have abandoned her blog. We give her all that encouragement and support and POOF! She's gone.

Well, yes and no.

If you can call it "abandonment", I have only done it to the extent that my feeling horrifically sick all weekend (although not nausea or vomiting...nope...more like the...uh...other end...um...non-stop...EVERY TIME I EAT...is that normal or should I be worried?) prevented me from getting even upright, let alone at the computer.

Then, because when it rains it pours, I had an interview earlier today that I had to prepare for. They were quite impressed that I knew so much about their bank, so I guess it was worth it. I had my little brag book for them to keep and EVERYTHING. And I managed to keep myself from running to the bathroom, which I was REALLY happy about.

I think it went well, but of course still called a few other places when I got home. You know...eggs...one basket...you get the idea.

I of course, am still ravaged with worry and panic over being able to, FOR ONCE, make it through the entire first trimester. Each of my previous miscarriages were detected only at the point where we went for a normal first ultrasound, only to discover that the pregnancy had for all intents and purposes ended by the 5th or 6th week.

So seeing as how today I have hit the five week mark, I am somewhat of a mess. I SERIOUSLY, punch myself in the boobs at least a few times a day to make sure they still hurt. And I feel MUCH better when they do.

Mr. Blogger has come to the conclusion that I am insane. Can't blame him much.

And Dr. Internet is of course a very dangerous thing. Although this made me smile, when I had started to panic again over my beta numbers. (Go to the end of the post and click on that last link for the cutest picture ever.)

On Friday, not one, but THREE health professionals made me cry when I was trying to get some information about whether or not it was safe to go to London on Wednesday.

It wasn't that I was upset over them telling me not to, it was that EVERY FREAKIN' PERSON kept saying, "I don't know what to tell you. There's no way of knowing anything and you'll just have to wait and see." Or, "Well they have good hospitals there so even if something does happen, you'll be covered". Or my favorite, "Just relax about it and see how your first ultrasound goes."

NO ONE would listen to me. Even when my actual doctor finally returned my call, she told me, "Your numbers are so low...you're barely even pregnant yet". And she laughed. LAUGHED.

Is this any way to talk to a woman with three previous miscarriages who is FORTY-FREAKIN-ONE years old??? Can you say highest of the high risks?

So finally I called a friend of mine who went through numerous IVFs and fertility counseling for years and frankly, knows so much about this stuff, she almost went to work for her clinic. (And most importantly, has a beautiful one-year-old baby girl!)

She told me that her "High Risk Doctor" (where do I get one of THESE??) told her that the only really safe time to fly is in the second trimester and she wouldn't recommend going. She also gave me lots of other good advice and some specialists to call and made me feel better that at least I wasn't just nuts to be wondering if flying 6,000 miles for 11 hours was necessarily such a great idea.

Then I got on line and discovered that if you:
A. Are over 35
B. Have experienced high blood pressure at ANY TIME
C. Have had a previous miscarriage

...they don't recommend traveling. Ding ding ding on ALL THREE.

Couldn't someone just have said so...instead of all this "I just don't know what to tell you" crap? I never once asked, please look into your crystal ball and tell me what is going to happen in my pregnancy. All I wanted to know was if travel was safe. And there you go.

So we cancelled my trip and will probably go in April some time. MB still has to go see his kids, but he's leaving a week later instead and will only be gone for 4 days instead of 11 (I was afraid to be alone that long).

I know I'm nuts. I know I'm ridiculously cautious. But it's just that this particular time is really the scariest.

Oh and my first ultrasound is scheduled for Friday 1/27. When I get there...well...let's talk about that later before I get all worked up again.

And before I forget, would you like to know my approximate due date?

9/11.

Oh boy.

Aren't you looking forward to the next EIGHT months?