Monday, January 09, 2006

What, me worry?

I know what you're thinking.

Oh SUUUUURE, now that she's all knocked up and everything, she seems to have abandoned her blog. We give her all that encouragement and support and POOF! She's gone.

Well, yes and no.

If you can call it "abandonment", I have only done it to the extent that my feeling horrifically sick all weekend (although not nausea or vomiting...nope...more like the...uh...other TIME I that normal or should I be worried?) prevented me from getting even upright, let alone at the computer.

Then, because when it rains it pours, I had an interview earlier today that I had to prepare for. They were quite impressed that I knew so much about their bank, so I guess it was worth it. I had my little brag book for them to keep and EVERYTHING. And I managed to keep myself from running to the bathroom, which I was REALLY happy about.

I think it went well, but of course still called a few other places when I got home. You get the idea.

I of course, am still ravaged with worry and panic over being able to, FOR ONCE, make it through the entire first trimester. Each of my previous miscarriages were detected only at the point where we went for a normal first ultrasound, only to discover that the pregnancy had for all intents and purposes ended by the 5th or 6th week.

So seeing as how today I have hit the five week mark, I am somewhat of a mess. I SERIOUSLY, punch myself in the boobs at least a few times a day to make sure they still hurt. And I feel MUCH better when they do.

Mr. Blogger has come to the conclusion that I am insane. Can't blame him much.

And Dr. Internet is of course a very dangerous thing. Although this made me smile, when I had started to panic again over my beta numbers. (Go to the end of the post and click on that last link for the cutest picture ever.)

On Friday, not one, but THREE health professionals made me cry when I was trying to get some information about whether or not it was safe to go to London on Wednesday.

It wasn't that I was upset over them telling me not to, it was that EVERY FREAKIN' PERSON kept saying, "I don't know what to tell you. There's no way of knowing anything and you'll just have to wait and see." Or, "Well they have good hospitals there so even if something does happen, you'll be covered". Or my favorite, "Just relax about it and see how your first ultrasound goes."

NO ONE would listen to me. Even when my actual doctor finally returned my call, she told me, "Your numbers are so're barely even pregnant yet". And she laughed. LAUGHED.

Is this any way to talk to a woman with three previous miscarriages who is FORTY-FREAKIN-ONE years old??? Can you say highest of the high risks?

So finally I called a friend of mine who went through numerous IVFs and fertility counseling for years and frankly, knows so much about this stuff, she almost went to work for her clinic. (And most importantly, has a beautiful one-year-old baby girl!)

She told me that her "High Risk Doctor" (where do I get one of THESE??) told her that the only really safe time to fly is in the second trimester and she wouldn't recommend going. She also gave me lots of other good advice and some specialists to call and made me feel better that at least I wasn't just nuts to be wondering if flying 6,000 miles for 11 hours was necessarily such a great idea.

Then I got on line and discovered that if you:
A. Are over 35
B. Have experienced high blood pressure at ANY TIME
C. Have had a previous miscarriage

...they don't recommend traveling. Ding ding ding on ALL THREE.

Couldn't someone just have said so...instead of all this "I just don't know what to tell you" crap? I never once asked, please look into your crystal ball and tell me what is going to happen in my pregnancy. All I wanted to know was if travel was safe. And there you go.

So we cancelled my trip and will probably go in April some time. MB still has to go see his kids, but he's leaving a week later instead and will only be gone for 4 days instead of 11 (I was afraid to be alone that long).

I know I'm nuts. I know I'm ridiculously cautious. But it's just that this particular time is really the scariest.

Oh and my first ultrasound is scheduled for Friday 1/27. When I get there...well...let's talk about that later before I get all worked up again.

And before I forget, would you like to know my approximate due date?


Oh boy.

Aren't you looking forward to the next EIGHT months?


Anonymous e.wells said...

i don't know you or anything, i got here by way of another blog, but let me offer this piece of comfort, however small it may be.
my mom had one miscarriage before she had my sister at the age of 39, and two more before she had me at the age of 43. it can happen, and yes there are risks, but life doesn't come without risks, and it's because of those risks that the things that means so much to us, really mean so much to us.
stressing isn't going to help you any, and i know it's practically unavoidable, but try to remember that there are always reasons for things, and that the people who really love you will always love you no matter what, and will always be there to help you through the rough times and to celebrate the good times.

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Jess said...

Doctors can be frustrating. My husband calls my RE Dr. Euphemism since he just refuses to speak clearly. They're right in some respects--you just can't really know. But I am a big BIG proponent of doing your own research and making decisions with your doc---and it sounds like you did the right thing. In the end, you have to do what feels right to you.

And have I mentioned, CONGRATS!

2:48 PM  
Blogger emily said...

wow. i'm SO glad i didn't call and give you shit today for not blgoging like i was going to.

2:55 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

1)I have two friends who gave birth at 40 to healthy, healthy babies. One of those had experienced multiple miscarriages prior to the pregnancy that "stuck".
2) I wouldn't have gone to London, either. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage and afterward, I signed up for a scuba-diving class with Mr. Half. Then I got pregnant again. My doctor, also a licensed diver, told me to drop the diving class becauase PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULDN'T SCUBA DIVE. Period.
There's just a lot of stuff that's risky...whether you're a high-risk patient or not. I'm not sure why any doctor would have been hesitant to tell you that. Go figure!
3)As hard as it is, you should definitely try to stay relaxed. Meditation. Naps. Nice-smelling candles. And rent a movie that makes you laugh. Laughing makes your whole body feel good. Keep us posted. We're in your corner.

3:15 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

You did the right thing. It's so frustrating, sometimes, just trying to get a straight answer out of people!

I'm in the midst of (yet another) two-week wait, and I keep squeezing my breasts to see 1) if they're sore, and 2) if they're sorer than usual. I laughed at the line about you punching your breasts; at least I have SOMETHING in common with a pregnant woman.

I'm sure I'll be a bucket of fun if I ever do succeed in getting knocked up.

Be good to yourself; you've earned it.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous kate said...

i'll make you a baby mix tape :)

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

One of the things I learned with both my pregnancies was to trust my instincts. The first time I was pregnant -- when I was *just* pregnant, by days -- I was drinking margaritas when this little voice told me I should stop. Sure enough, when it was early enough to test -- I found out I was pregnant. I think postponing the trip was good for that reason alone: you listened to your own inner voice and came to your own conclusions. Not that you shouldn't consider the advice of your medical professional, but you know your own body best of all.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Melanhead said...

Your little peanut can give 9/11 a good name - we need something good to happen on or around that date!

6:21 PM  
Blogger G/\R*E said...

I'm glad you are not traveling. It seems to be the best choice for your particular situation.

And I'm also sorry that your doctor thinks she’s a comedian.

Try to do some relaxing things over the next couple weeks, you need it.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous mom said...

I want to scream "RELAX!" You're intelligent and in tune with your body so go with it. You'll always know what's best for you. XOXO

9:42 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Don't worry, babies never arrive on their due date.

My doc basically told me with my 3rd pregnancy to go home and wait for the miscarriage, as I was spotting and he looked not far enough along....he is sleeping in his crib as I type, thank you very little. Oh, and he was born on his due date....

11:12 PM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

Medical professionals hate to be pinned down because there are so many variables with pregnancy and so much at stake. I really think medicine is a much more subjective field than we like to admit--that's why they call an extra consultation "a second OPINION."

Play it safe for your own peace of mind--and understand you will always struggle with uncertainty. The challenge of pregnancy AND parenthood is that you never know what's next and there's no formula you can follow that will absolutely guarantee a predicatable outcome. It's like a free fall. Enjoy the ride and pray for a good landing!

After I had my son, I had a miscarriage and D & C and was just devastated by it. And then six weeks later I was pregnant with my darling E-Grrrl. I was 35.

4:01 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Oh Brooke, I know you must be so disappointed about cancelling your trip.
I'm not going to say try not to worry because I know that you will anyway. Do something nice for yourself this week. Go get a massage or pamper yourself somehow.
And good luck with the interviews!

6:20 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

I DON'T pray. But I'm praying for you girl! You are constantly in my thoughts. (BIG E-hug)

6:28 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Look at this outpouring of support! We're all behind you, Brooke. I have a good feeling about this. I think if you take care of yourself and, as Nancy said, listen to that little voice, you'll be fine.

And, may I say, I was surprised to hear you're 41 - you sure didn't look it in your photo on Person of the Week.

7:01 AM  
Anonymous m-i-l said...

Just got back from hol. and caught up with your blogs. What can I say?

Of course I'm sorry we won't get to see you this week after all, but I think you're doing the right thing.

Take care of yourself and keep well! Hope the dodgy tum sorts itself out soon.

And I think your poor child is destined to be always known as 'Peanut', whatever s/he is eventually named! (That, or Charlie Brown!) ;-D

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha 9/11 baby is going to be awesome. Good luck and congrats. Also just as a side note, I was the first of four kids my mom had... after three miscarriages of her own. :)


9:27 AM  

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