Sunday, April 09, 2006

No-baby blues

I've spent this weekend in a bit of a funk, to the point where I guess I was sighing so loudly and frequently, that MB kept asking what was wrong.

Truth is, it's all this fertility stuff.

I've kind of avoided talking about too many details, partly to not bore you, and partly to live in denial that I have to face it quite seriously...SOON.

I've written many a letter recently trying to get SOMETHING paid for by my insurance (the blood tests after my miscarriage were even denied by my HMO, so that should tell you something) and after we met with our high risk guy, I've been reading up on all the options.

But when we got out of that appointment, I felt as though I should just give up. The charts he showed us, where the angle takes a STEEP downturn at age 40, left me positively bereft.

I mean really, why bother? Apparently, at 41, I'm as good as menopausal according to their charts. Sure, I keep getting pregnant. Sure, I haven't had one stinking thing show up on any test I've done.

But I should just call it a day, I guess.

Except that I'm not ready to.

So that leaves a few options. Trying on our own. IVF. Egg donors. Surrogates. Adoption.

I'm not feeling exceptionally positive about continuing to try on our own. And not to say that I wouldn't miscarry again with any other method, but I feel like I need more medical intervention.

I told the doctor that I'm getting tired of getting a positive and then no one seeing me until my first ultrasound. This last pregnancy, it was only because I had done my homework and basically threw a hissy fit, that I even knew to have the beta tests done. I need a little more hand-holding than that.

So then we have IVF.

What's funny is that I've known some women I've worked with over the years who have gone through IVF and I always vowed I would never bother. If it didn't happen naturally, then it wasn't meant to be. Or some other such young, idealistic nonsense.

But here we are. We have the follow up appointment with our doc on Tuesday morning, and I have started to feel strangely terrified. I had a blood test after the last one, which he followed up with me by phone, and my eggs are fine, or the levels testing them are. Or...whatever, it's very confusing and technical. I'm about to become a Reproductive Endocrinologist myself, based on what I've had to learn.

So again, nothing is wrong with me that they can find. I don't know if that makes me happy or annoys me. I want answers.

The IVF would at least let us ram a half dozen of those puppies up there with the hope that at least ONE will stick this time. Remind me to laugh when I'm pregnant with quadruplets or something.

But the more I've read about it, the more it scares me. I don't know how to explain it. It's not the giving myself shots every night, or starting on the lovely side-effects of Lupron, or anything like that.

I think it's, well, what if THAT doesn't work? What if it all goes wrong again? What if we try and try and I just CANNOT END UP WITH A BABY.

We've pretty much ruled out the donor eggs or surrogates, etc. But then I said to MB, where do you set your end point? When is it time to give up?

I honestly don't know.

Maybe that's why I'm so terrified.


Anonymous m-i-l said...

Only you can say where the end point is. Only YOU know when you should give up!

Other people can give you advice, tell you what they would do, or have done, support you in whatever you decide. But. At the end of the day, only you - the two of you together, but basically YOU, Brooke, can say "let's keep trying whatever we can do" or call "Enough!"

Will me telling you what I would do help? Maybe. Maybe not.

Personally, I'd try and try and try as long as I damn well could, until they told me I didn't have any percent chance whatsoever - and probably then some! Because that's the sort of person I am. I can't tell you to do that. Only you know how much you can stand.

But I promise to love, help, and support you, in whatever way I possibly can, in whatever decision you make, and whatever you have to go through as a result.

Your ever-loving M-I-L. xxxx

12:51 AM  
Blogger sit-slake-stir said...

Your breaking point is something only you can recognise. I say try as long as you SERIOUSLY know you can handle it.

Brooke, with everything that's ever happened to you in your life emotionally, I have faith that you are aware of what you can and cannot go through anymore.

And MB sounds like a very supportive and level headed man. The decision is a joint one, and the two of you are the only ones to decide.

You know I am here for you in many ways. Many. You name it.

Love, (yes, you read right)


6:03 AM  
Anonymous jess said...

It's true that you don't know what you would do until you are in the situation. And even then . . .sometimes not so much.

The thing about IVF is that it is both corrective and diagnostic, that is, it will give you an increased shot at getting and staying pregnant, and it gives your RE a chance to really examine your eggs more closely. Also, it will automatically put you in a high risk group so that you will be very closely monitored after you get pregnant.

Ugh. Infertility is sucky. Only you can figure out what treatment is right for you. And what is "right" will probably change and shift over time.

6:28 AM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

I have to echo the other posters and say that only you and MB can really determine how far you want to go, and what your limits are. And I think once you both know, you'll *know*.

Hang in.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

This is a terrible position to be in. I can't imagine trying to make this decision. It seems like the most improtant part is that you and Mr. Blogger agree on whatever decision you make. I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

7:42 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Another friend of mine (see I think of you as friend!) is going through the same thing. Miscarried etc. She has gone through IVF and is right now 9 weeks pregnant!!! We are holding our breath that this one goes to term and is healthy.

I wouldn't dream of giving you advice but listen to your instincts/gut and follow your heart.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I really have no idea what to say. I'm going to have surgery; I have no idea what I'm going to do if that doesn't work. It's a sucky, sucky, sucky situation. All your feelings are perfectly normal. Feel free to bitch to me if ever it will make you feel better.

8:19 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

All I can say is to echo the other posters -- you may not know what you want at any given time, it may change from moment to moment -- but if you and MB are on the same page it's a great thing. And I will be here to provide whatever support possible, even if it's just to send you another silly old card in the mail. And send you happy thoughts.

Take care of yourself, and know that all of us out here are thinking of you.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

There are so many unpleasant decisions ahead of you. The only thing I can say is, "Stay strong and know that we're behind you 110%."

9:58 AM  
Blogger kiwi said...

Well, if this doesn't work and you think it's time to move on, there's always adoption. I know it's not the same, but you can always try to adopt a baby.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Brooke, I know what you mean. Ugh, this sucks so much for you.

I'm looking forward to commiserating and talking about options over a glass of wine with the ocean breeze in our hair soon.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous mom said...

I know you want to be a biological mother, if possible. Can you handle another failed pregnancy? If you're willing to go for it, knowing what you already know, then try the IVF. If it doesn't work, at least you'll have tried. But most of all, listen to your head AND heart. You have MB and a wonderful support group either way. Love and lots of X's and O's.

8:11 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Some people need to chase down every opportunity and leave no stone unturned. Think about where you'll be 10 years from now. If a biological child is not in your future, will you feel more at peace knowing you exhausted every option? I think these are the things you have to consider. I'm on your side no matter what. Really.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Di said...

I can totally understand how that would be scary. You have to do whatever you feel is right "right now". If you think IVF is what it might take, go for it. You can explore other options later. Right now, worry about right now.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

AS someone who also apparently has nothing wrong with her, let me say that I understand a little bit of how you feel. It's so frustrating!

I think you should got for the IVF, for all the reasons previously stated. You've come this far, so why not go the whole way? If it were me, I'd always wonder what would've happened if I didn't try it.

9:53 AM  
Blogger John said...

Best of luck, Brooke. I'm sure things will work out in the end. Just keep that great, fun attitude we all know and love! Don't let things bring you down.

8:07 AM  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

oh my. i'm so sorry but how brave of you to put it into words.

best of luck in your next decision. ;)

12:10 PM  
Blogger aka Brandi said...

Oh, Brooke. My heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine the frustration and helplessness you must be feeling. Especially since you are also fighting Time.

One other thing. I know you want to carry and have a baby, and adoption is not the same as labor, but in the end, you can't help but love a baby, whatever way it comes into your life.

Thinking of you...

5:52 AM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

I hope you get the baby you want and the peace of mind you need.

7:17 AM  
Blogger The Queen Mama said...

"Remind me to laugh when I'm pregnant with quadruplets or something."

OK, I'll remind you. Although I think twins would be plenty ambitious.

Seriously. I think you'll know if you hit that point. Just try to shut out the external stuff, and don't ignore your gut. God, could I sound more blanket and full of platitude? You know what I mean, I hope.

Peace to you as you navigate the course.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Melanhead said...

Not to say a platitude (as is the title of my blog), but you will follow your heart. Each second draws you closer to your next choice. :)

7:20 PM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

I don't have anything useful to say, but I'm sending you a hug. And, being a perpetual optimist, I'm looking forward to the future posts about your quadruplets!

12:14 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Hello??? Where are you Brooke? Let us know that you are okay.

7:44 AM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Ditto what Debbie said. I miss you.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I have been thinking about you. I know this must be agonizing for you. If you don't want to give up, then don't....

Good luck.

1:41 PM  

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