Friday, July 21, 2006

All ultrasounds. All the time.

(Seriously. I'm about to retitle my blog "This Week's Beanie Action.")

We had another ultrasound today and I was actually so nervous about it, I hadn't even wanted to blog the fear. It's just so scary and terrifying every time I watch that screen and pray to see SOMETHING. There have just been far too many times that I didn't.

To start though, the doctor first tried the doppler over my abdomen to see if we could hear the heartbeat and after pressing the crap out of my midsection...nothing.

I was literally shaking as we walked to the ultrasound room. Even though she said it was entirely common not to hear anything this early (10 weeks, 5 days and counting), when she then had trouble getting anything on the monitor, I swear, I was THIS close to passing out.

She complained about my strangely shaped uterus (news to me!) and then...finally...there was Beanie. Heartbeat flashing away. I am apparently pregnant with E.T.

But get this. Beanie is an actual, like, BABY. Ok fetus. But you get my point. (And did you know that this week I officially went from embryo to fetus? The things you learn from obsessing, I tell ya'.)

I mean, she/he/whatever isn't a kidney bean anymore. There were ARMS. And LEGS. And a HEAD.

And then she/he/whatever JUMPED. Like a hiccup or something.


That has suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.

And while I allowed myself the requisite 12 hours of joy, I am of course on to new worries. Like next Thursday's Nuchal Scan. But one hurdle at a time.

In the meantime, I hope and pray you don't find this a bit indulgent, but I have to be honest that the last couple weeks have been, well, hellish. I am so torn because I feel as though I'm not allowed to complain. I should feel LUCKY and BLESSED. And I do. Really. Obviously. Beyond belief.

But Beanie. Can we chat for a sec? We all know that you rule the roost. In every way possible. And I will do everything and anything for the rest of my life to make sure you are happy and healthy.

But you're kicking my ass.

First there was the Gestational Diabetes diagnosis and the constant finger pricking I have to do now. It's's just a little tough to hear the dietician tell me I need to stop eating so many carbs when I'M A VEGETARIAN AND THAT'S THE MAJORITY OF MY DIET.

And I bet you didn't know you could have diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Or ravenous hunger while nauseous?

Then there's the constant and never-letting-up vomit-o-rama. It's especially fun when I'm working. (This had to be one of the first times a doctor asked why I'd LOST weight at a check up.)

I cried my eyes out last weekend because I felt SO DAMN GUILTY for being sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I just broke down.

PLEASE don't think I don't know how lucky I am to even be in this position. I keep telling myself that if there's a healthy baby at the end of this, it was ALL worth it. And it is. I guess I never realized it would be so hard.

Ok, it's off my chest. So now, little hiccupping Beanie. Do what you gotta do. I can take it.

But if you could let me eat like, a WHOLE bagel, that would be awesome.


Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

Gestational diabetes AND the vomitron? Oh girl, complain all you want.

Y'know, women have a tendency to be dramatic about the trials of labor and delivery but I'll tell ya, I think just being pregnant was way harder.

Hang in there. And complain all you want. That's what the Sisterhood of the Traveling Stretch Marks is all about. ; )

11:29 PM  
Anonymous M-I-L said...

Oh, this is so great! I get the chance to nag you about your diet again! Vegetarian doesn't mean carbo-tarian! ;-D Shall I ship over a case of Heinz Baked Beans?

Seriously though, I'm so very, very, very happy for you! And hey, maybe the vomit-o-rama will stop over the next few weeks, in spite of your mom's 24/7/9 month experience! Keep thinking positive! (and taking ginger) :-D

12:02 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Brooke!!! I'm so happy to hear that you and Beanie are well. :)

Have I mentioned how much you crack me up? Cause you do!

Keeping the good vibes flowing from VA. (I'm not the only one! :)

12:06 AM  
Blogger g/\r*e said...

Oh, little Beanie...that is sooo cute. I can't even imagine what you're going through, but I know you have the strength and courage to do it. Take care of your self....I can't wait till we hang out!

Love Gary

3:07 AM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

Succint descriptions of the full-on body assault of vomiting and Gestational Diabetes and being grateful for a healthy pregnancy are NOT mutually exlusive. At least, I would never make that assumption. At the end of the day, I know you see the big picture so I'm not worried when you lament about throwing up. Who enjoys throwing up?

What utter joy to read of your progress! I am thrilled to pieces for you and Mr. Blogger and I send all good thoughts your way. Keep growing, little Beanie!

3:24 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Brooke -- major hugs to you and to the beanie. I'm with v-grrrl; complain all you want. We're here for you and thinking of you. Hope you get to eat that whole bagel very soon.

4:38 AM  
Blogger sit-slake-stir said...

Just think, when Beanie is a rebellious teenager and comes to me for tattoos and piercings, you can make he/she feel ultra guilty by recounting the number of times you defecated AND vomited at the same time.

I'm sure it'll be a 21st Birthday story for all to enjoy!

Hang in there, Arnold.


5:15 AM  
Blogger sit-slake-stir said...

Adding another comment because I am a twat and spelt my name wrong.

An anal twat (uhhhh-huh) at that, and feel compelled to correct it otherwise I'm going to stay awake all night knowing that my name is out there on the WWW and it's been incorrectly typed by MYSELF!



5:18 AM  
Anonymous Jess said...

This is good news!

Except for the vomiting part, of course!

9:22 AM  
Blogger kiwi said...

I am incredibly excited for you. I can't wait to see you. We all nedd to get together soon. That is when you're not puking, working, sleeping, visiting the doctor, etc. You should see Mina. She's actually crawling and talking (babbling).

11:02 AM  
Anonymous mom said...

Ah yes, I remember it well. Total recall, so total empathy. You're allowed to vent to us. The good news is that eventually, it's over. Then the real fun begins: no sleep. Thank God you have the wonderful Mr. Blogger.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Hang in there girl and yes you are allowed to complain. We all know what you've gone through to get to this point, I was hoping that after all that you'd get a break and have an easy pregnancy. (and the fates are laughing)

BUT and I know this is little solace, the fact that you are sick is a GOOD thing because it means your hormones are doing what they're supposed to be doing.

Thinking of all three of you and wishing for stomach calming, low insulin months ahead.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous kona girl said...

YAY for the beautiful pics of beanie baby!!!!

sorry for the gross throw up marathon, sweetie... hope it will settle down in a couple of weeks... we are all crossing our fingers for a more calm trimester ahead...

LOVE YOU~ and mucho aloha

4:44 PM  
Blogger aka Brandi said...

SO GLAD to see this post! I've been worried, worried, worried.

YOU, girlfriend, indulge all you want. You have earned the right to experience and abhor each and every facet of pregnancy. You go right on ahead and feel how you feel and we will go right on ahead rooting for you at each and every pinprick, puke, and procedure.


5:46 PM  
Anonymous Steph & Eddy said...

YAY!! We're so excited to hear the great news!

9:00 PM  
Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Hang in there, sweetie. Hopefully you'll get past the nausea and other digestive upsets soon as your body starts adjusting to the hormonal onslaught. And just because you've wanted something for so very long doesn't mean that there aren't some really nasty aspects that come with it. Seems like you've got a pretty safe venting space here.

9:49 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

Complain away, my friend. We all know how much this means to you. :)

7:59 AM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

Pregnant ladies are allowed to complain when they don't feel well. Period. I'm hoping the second trimester will bring you a happier tummy.

I'm so glad to hear Beanie is thriving. We'll have to find a time when you are feeling well enough to get together. I promise it doesn't have to involve food.

Go, Beanie, Go!

10:27 AM  
Blogger Rock said...

Vomit is good. It makes you know you're alive. Just pray - and keep praying to that porcelain god.

7:42 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

First of all congrats, I am glad that it's growing legs and a head haha! Second of all, complaining is A-OK. Blame it on the baby, that's what they are there for!

6:24 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

w00t! w00t!

So glad to get happy news from your quarter!

Keep up the good work. And keep the food down. If you can. ;)

11:17 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

You have every right in the world to complain, woman! Cut yourself some slack!

But congratulations nonetheless. :)

1:04 PM  
Blogger Delaleuverses said...

ooooooh yummy, a whole bagel, I haven't eaten one in a while. I used to be a strict vegeterian and I lost a lot of weight although it's so hard when it comes to carbs :( but there are good carbs out there, you just need to be creative

6:24 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

According to the second edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting, which I got out of one of those boxes that people put next to their trash with the word "FREE" written on it in Magic Marker, and promptly read within the first few months of my fertility struggles just to torture myself, a "whole bagel" with cream cheese is a rare treat. If you haven't already, I recommend ignoring this so-called pearl of wisdom ASAP. In fact, I feel like having a "terribly wicked" piece of pie right now, just to spite them.

You deserve to celebrate, woman. You've earned it. We are all very, very happy for you!

7:55 AM  
Blogger #1 Dancer said...

Oh, man. I didn't know 'bout the GD. That is horrible!! I really have no promising suggestions. And with having to limit your carbs - did she say ALL carbs or can you eat complex carbs?? Those seem to help me through it.
If you're allowed, ask for Zofran and Phenergan. I took Phenergan at night and it knocked me out and allowed me to sleep well. I finally figured out to take 8mg of Zofran (instead of 4) and that seemed to help the nausea significantly. Prayers and positive thoughts your way!!!

9:10 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

New and stopping by to say go beanie! I hope things go smoothly (and complain all you want, sounds like you've got every reason to!).

2:50 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

I think it's amazing that you can feel and sense so much while pregnant. Good luck.

6:07 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

So sorry that I haven't been a good blog friend. I am so thrilled for you Brookie!! Take care of little Beanie and you!

4:00 PM  
Blogger little sister said...

OMG! I stop by 2-3 weeks later and learn you're still happily (yet often miserably) pregnant! I remember when an associate I worked for at Dewey Screwum & Howe was pregnant with her first....I felt so sorry for her that I kept saltines in my desk in case because they were the only things she could eat but couldn't always keep them down. gah - throwing up at work is awful!

And I heartily agree that a pregnant woman is allowed to say and do whatever she pleases because, well, you're growing an entire human in your body during his/her biggest growth spurt in his/her life.

and m-i-ls are allowed to call you a carbotarian too - lol!

1:44 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Without reading all the comments, because you've got a small army of people out here rooting for you, can I sheepishly suggest pressure point bracelets? They have them at most drugstores and while they're not a flat cure for the pukes, they do take the edge off. And any mental step up is worth a whole mouthful of pharmaceuticals, as far as I'm concerned.

Good luck!

(And after reading a couple comments, I have to say to you AND Arabella, throw those What to Expect books out the goddam door!!! They suck! They should be called What to Feel Guilty About When You're Expecting. Hate hate hate them.) Whatever you can eat, great, and take some vitamins if you can. Just don't feel guilty! That comes later... ;)

8:10 PM  
Blogger Jiggie said...

I'm a new visitor to your blog and I loved this post. I've mc'd twice in the past year and I really feel for those who have gone through it. The getting sick part is a great sign that things are moving along, that's supposed to make us feel better right? Best of luck to you, I'll make sure to check in often.

2:19 PM  
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