Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Three months old and the end of maternity leave

I realized as I sat down to write the inevitable "My Baby is Three Months Old" post, that as a new mother, you really run the risk of alienating everyone who just is not all that interested in your baby. I guess my blog has taken the expected turn into a "mommy blog", but I refuse to view that as all bad.

I may go on ad nauseum about the genius of the Bumbo chair, or enjoy the rantings of my fellow sleep-deprived warriors in the battle of the bedtime, but that's just life. I've changed. FOREVER. And I sure did ask for it.

But I can remember a time when I looked at the umpteenth pic of someone's baby and thought, yeah, it's a baby. I mean they're little and they don't do much and their expression hardly changes. So what do you say?

But when it's YOUR baby, well of course she's the most gorgeous thing in the world, and would you like to see some pictures?

I can't help it.

It's a fascinating, ever changing life...this whole new mommy thing. NOTHING is the same. I go back to work next Monday and I have yet to truly give in to that. I'm trying desperately to see if part-time work may be an option for me, but it's pretty doubtful.

In the last few months, I could tell you exactly how many times I've left the house and not really have to use a second hand to count. And if it weren't for doctor appointments, I don't know that I'd ever get out.

I pretty much spend my days feeding and changing Keira. And if I'm lucky, I get a shower. Hair is done about once a week. Makeup? Um, about once a month? Yesterday was my 4th anniversary with Mr. Blogger and we ordered a pizza. Woo hoo!

And yet here I am, fighting to be able to continue this existence full time. I would give anything in the world to stay home with my baby. I have another two months of my Mom taking care of her until she goes back home to another state, but then it's off to daycare in July. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I think of her with a "stranger", I lose it. It wouldn't matter if it were Mary Poppins. I want her with ME.

It's VERY strange for me to admit that I want to stay home (and please know that I am a HUGE proponent of letting mothers make the whole "working mom decisions" for themselves and making sure we support them in those decisions). I have had so many self-esteem issues in my life, but the one area I was always able to gain some semblance of self worth was initially school and then work.

So to say I'm willing to toss that is a huge change of stance for me. I ALWAYS thought I would want to go back to work and would need the adult interaction. I never thought I'd be so attached to my baby.

This last month Keira had her first shots and I just about thought I would die. I tried to be quiet because I didn't want to scare her, so as the tears streamed silently down my cheeks and MB held her down, I wanted more than anything to take away the pain from my poor little unsuspecting baby. I wonder sometimes how I'll ever make it through all the (I'm sure) much more difficult matters to come.

But she's a tough one, our little Keira, and took it like a trouper. In much the same way everyone says, "Oh, she'll be fine" with my leaving to go to work every day, she's not the one I worry about.

So here's my attempt at sharing exactly what I'll miss most. The funny thing is that I thought I was taking a picture in this first one and had no idea I had the video feature switched on the camera (I've never used it!), so that's why it's bouncing all over the place and why you hear me say "I didn't click it." I thought the camera didn't work. What a dork.


Here I have a little more practice, and yet still can't keep the camera still. I was trying to get her "talking", but wouldn't you know after all kinds of chatter, she clammed up when the video started. I especially enjoy the "You did WHAT?" head tilt towards the end.

I love you, my baby. Starting Monday, be good for Grammy. And don't be alarmed if when you see me, I scoop you up and won't let go.


Blogger little sister said...

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWE!!! (I could typed that like 10,000 times!) Seriously, yours is a totally cute, gimme-that-child-and-let-me-kiss-those-cheeks-all-week baby, not just an umpteenth baby (yep, seen and ignored PLENTY of those...yours is a whole different category of MUCH MORE ADORABLE!).

That said, for heaveen's sake, an immunization is ONLY a little needle! Mi hija slept through her first shot at 7 weeks of age. True story. I even whispered to her that it wasn't going to hurt; she grunted a snoring fart, then the med tech hesitantly poked mi hija's pudgy leg with the needle only to hear another snored grunt-fart. So, my first whiny assvice to you please don't worry. Pediatric needles are painless on a baby's pudgy little skin, and babies who cry at immunization time are reacting to their parents' anxieties, not physical pain.

Mean older lady diatribe over ;)

I wish I were close enough to babysit at least long enough for you and Mr. B to enjoy an evening out! I bet your mum is LOVING THIS!!! I bet she's going to hate having to go back home. I'm hating it for her already, and the baby isn't even MY grandchild!

6:02 AM  
Anonymous Jess said...

What a cutie. It's so nice that your mom will be able to watch her while you transition back into working . . .that's definitely a nice perk and hopefully will help you make that switch.

Of course, that doesn't make leaving her any easier, I'm sure.

7:03 AM  
Blogger V-Grrrl said...

If you stay home all the time and sometimes get depressed and frustrated, you feel guilty. If you go back to work and enjoy it more than expected, you feel guilty. When work sucks, you feel you're wasting your life; when parenting sucks, you wonder why you can't be happy with what you have.

Motherhood is a lesson in never being comfortable for long. In the beginning you squirm a lot because your little one is so vulnerable. As she grows and becomes more independent and her world expands, you're wistful and yet celebrating how far she's come.

All mothers go through this process, no matter what their circumstances. Inhale. Exhale. It won't ever be easy, but it will get easier.

7:33 AM  
Blogger g/\r*e said...

Shes is so beautiful!! Sorry you must return to work, hope everything works out great for ya.

7:55 AM  
Anonymous MB said...

Dang...that is one, cute little bean of a baby!! I know that going back to work will be really difficult, but Keira will be fine, and eventually, you will be, too. One day at a time. We all do the best we can, and you are a fantastic Mom, whether you are with her all day or part of the day. Keep those video clips coming! Hugs to you all.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous M-I-L said...

She's just sooooo beautiful! Those gorgeous big eyes!

I hope the going back to paid employment thing works out for you all, with not too much trauma.

Thinking of you, as always. xxxx

11:54 AM  
Blogger Annie, The Evil Queen said...

I, for one, never get tired of looking at pictures of babies. But I'm weird like that.

She is adorable. I love the big eyes. Sam is getting so big, I sometimes forget about the whole wobbly head thing.

I love staying home with Sam, but there are days when I'd love to have a little cash in my pocket and a lunch hour. You'll figure it out as you go, just like everything else.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Oh, Brooke. She is so incredibly beautiful.

I totally get what you're going through with the end of maternity leave looming closely. It was so hard both times for me to go back to work, even though I generally like working. I still have my days when I'd rather be home munching on delicious toddler toes and brushing blonde locks... sigh.

Motherhood is amazing. No doubt.

5:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it weird that I'm sitting here reading this and thinking "I'M MISSING IT! I'M MISSING HER GROW UP!!!" ???

But at the same time saw a few pics of miniature Mina and can't POSSIBLY FATHOM that she was ever that small?

9:38 PM  
Anonymous whymommy said...

She is just darling, and it's so obvious that you'e just so totally in love with her ... a beautiful thing! Hang in there as you learn to navigate the post-baby world. It definitely changes you. I thought I would NEVER stay home with my kids ... a year into it, I love it more each and every day. But do what's right for you and your family -- and BLOG about it if it helps -- we hear you!

8:18 PM  
Anonymous Abuelita said...

Of course I think she's an irresistably beautiful baby and fascinating to watch. Grannies are like that.

1:22 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

I remember having to leave my oldest in order to finish my last six weeks of teaching. I cried every day.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

What a doll!! I fully understand where you are coming from about staying home. I NEVER thought I would want to but when Zack was born all that changed. I'm happy with my job but I would love to see more of him. Especially now that he is cooing and getting ready to do all the fun stuff, roll over, scoot, crawl, etc.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

She's so gorgeous. And I'm amazed how much older she looks than our little guy. What a difference 10 weeks makes!

I hope that going back to work hasn't been too traumatic for you. And I totally hear you about not wanting to see her in pain. We just did the circumcision thing on Wednesday and I thought I might die. If Jeff had said he changed his mind about doing it, I would have grabbed Myles and been out the door in a second.

3:08 AM  
Blogger #1 Dancer said...

I hear YA, Sistah!! I CRIED for days when I thought I'd have to take Trey to day care. We finally decided that we didn't need vacations, dinners out, personal hygiene products, milk, bread, etc. (totally not kidding here) and sprung for an in-home nanny. I couldn't justify working from home and taking him somewhere else.
Oh, and she's STILL a beautiful baby. No kidding. B-E-A-Utiful!

7:04 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

You just go ahead and be a mommy blogger until we all blow chunks! You deserve it girlfriend, and she is gorgeous!!!

Search for the perfect care provider. One that you are comfortable with. Then you will be able to go to work with a little better feeling.

12:44 PM  
Anonymous Steph said...

she's sooooooooooo cute, I can't believe you only get 3 months maternity leave. I'm about to go back to work after 12 months off :(

11:08 AM  

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