To think everything was going so swimmingly up 'til now...ha!

Oh COME ON! I just wrote a whole freaking post and it's gone! My right hand brushed by something and it's just kablooey!

That's what I get for typing this on Mr. Blogger's new laptop that I still don't quite have the hang of...I'M SO MAD! (Or maybe that's the curse for my yelling at him for spending the money on this laptop to begin with WHEN WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CRIB! Quite the WWIII we had going over that one...)

You know how it is when that happens though, and how you don't even want to bother re-typing everything. So I'm TRYING to not say screw it here and start over. OK, deep breath...

Well, basically I'm still here and still going, but it is HARD lately. This has been one interesting pregnancy, to be kind and not give my child a complex. And in the last month alone, it's all gone haywire.

A laundry list...

*I'm on bed rest and off work for good now.

*I have the beginning signs of preeclampsia, although I don't quite have it as of yet. I've been to the hospital three times in the last 5 days and as of Friday, the doctor even said that it was a strong possibility this kid could be out within the week.

*I AM ONLY 31 1/2 WEEKS PREGNANT. I don't want her going anywhere yet.

*The good thing is that at last night's hospital stay, the labs were a little better, so we may get her to stick yet.

*The Hyperemesis came roaring back. Just yesterday I was quite convinced that I should perhaps find a way of getting my bed to just fit in the bathroom since it was becoming too much trouble to go back and forth so much.

*My blood pressure went up, but is somewhat stable. Well, today it was anyway. I have to chart it with my cuff at home to make sure.

*I am on nighttime injections of insulin since the Gestational Diabetes is worse. I also chart the blood sugar levels a few times a day. Hell, I chart EVERYTHING these days. I have to come armed with reams of paper to each doctor's appointment.

*I have sciatica down the back of my left leg/butt cheek and can't walk. Like, at all.

*I have had horrific stomach pains which led to the determination that my liver enzymes are high and apparently I have some kind of "fatty liver disease". That did wonders for my self esteem.

*I'm 6 lbs UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight. But as one of my doctor's so lovingly stated, eh, I have weight to lose anyway.

*I've been given shots of steroids to strengthen the baby's lungs in the event that we do have to deliver much earlier than planned.

*I spent this weekend giving TWO showers (one in SD and one in LA) and barely made it out of two hospital stays to make it to both. And I had to look like an idiot greeting everyone from a seated position...I looked like the freakin' queen receiving her subjects or something.

*Two separate doctors at different locations each referred to me as a "ticking time bomb". Thanks guys.

I'm sure I'll think of more, but I haven't slept all night, it's 5:00AM, and I'm tired. But what else is new?

You know...I was well aware of the fact that I was old, high risk, etc. But all of this keeps making me ask "where are these women who just fly through pregnancy...loving every ice-cream eating minute of it?"

And should I feel bad that I'm getting REALLY tired of feeling like crap, and more importantly being TERRIFIED on a regular basis? How does anyone make it through this...am I just a wimp?

I don't have ANYTHING done by way of setting up a nursery or pre-washing clothes or packing a bag. Yes, even though they've told me it may be imminent. I can't even muster the energy. Where is that supposed nesting instinct that the pregnancy books keep telling me I'll be getting? (I should mention that when the instructor brought that up in our birthing class, Mr. Blogger just laughed.)

In the end, all I want is for everything to be ok...is for Keira to be ok. (Yup, that's the final choice of a very controversial decision making process on a name for Ms. Bean...still no middle name yet.) All my monitoring has at least shown that if nothing else, she seems to be thriving in there. And I've always said that I'll take anything, go through anything to make sure she's fine.

So be careful what you agree to. You may have to prove it.