Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Perhaps I'm just working my way towards being on London time

Man, is my sleep pattern royally screwed up. This tends to happen if given enough time, but unfortunately, today I fell asleep at 9:00AM and woke up at 3:00PM.

I blame part of that on the book I couldn't put down, but honestly, most of it is due to nightmares. (Daymares??)

The last couple weeks or so, I've gone back to a horrible pattern of night terrors so bad, I'm then afraid to go to sleep. This is usually a result of upping my meds or something, but I went off of them before we started trying to get pregnant again a couple months ago, and honestly, I've really been ok. (This freaked me out. But if I feel like going back on them after any baby is born to avoid post-partum depression, you better believe, MR. CRUISE, that I'll do it. We "Brookes" have to stick together.)

Then the panic attacks returned. This is what thoughts of my old job do to me, people.

What constitutes a nightmare for me, you ask? Well usually it's people trying to kill me, with whole lot of chasing and running going on. But lately they've all been about betrayal. Strange.

I keep dreaming about these elaborate scenarios in which I'm dating some guy (who's always fairly vague and is definitely not Mr. Blogger) and he usually ends up cheating on me, hurting me and then mocking me for it. All my friends end up taking his side as well. I keep getting accused of "pushing him into it".

He usually flaunts it in front of me and I keep crying and shouting and asking how he could be so cruel. Really, it's far more disconcerting than I'm making it out to be. I even woke up the other night with tears streaming down my cheeks.

So any ideas on what this means? Mr. Blogger is somewhat horrified that I keep dreaming about this, as he's given me no reason to think he would ever do such a thing. And I know he wouldn't. Dreams aren't that clear cut.

There's some bigger message here that apparently my subconscious would like me to grapple with. Come on Mom, you're usually good at this stuff.

I'd really like to be able to go to bed and not be so panic-stricken at the thought of falling asleep.

Plus, I'm running out of books.


Blogger John said...

What always put me to sleep really quickly, even if I were having a tough time, was listening to Natalie Merchant's cd Ophelia. I was always asleep by the third song. Weird, I know...but it worked.

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Mom said...

I'm giving it much thought and will call you with my ideas.

Meanwhile, debriefing and discussing with those close to you will help.

I've never found anything that puts me to sleep so no suggestions there. Daddy had the same problems with nightmares and insomnia (when we were married). Sorry about the gene pool thing.

6:29 PM  
Blogger sit-slake-stir said...

As someone who can sympathise greatly to what you're saying, I can give you my advice and handy hints for tackling insomnia and nightmares.

Take from it what you will.

I believe (not really me, but being in psychotherapy and having to interpret dreams, my therapist once told me about what some of what you're dreaming about could mean) that the fact you're dreaming about relationships other than the one you're in, could relate to you wanting to be pregnant.

Relationships with strangers in your dreams would equate, to me, to your relationship with your unborn child. The betrayal could be something to do with the fact that you're not actually falling pregnant, despite your many attempts and expensive devices.

The fact that someone's killing you, signifies that you're approaching a new start in your life. The old Brooke is dying and a new one is emerging.

Betrayal is a BIG part of your own inner voice in dreams. It could represent an internal struggle in which your comfort in the life you've led up until this point is beginning to shift and you have to start doing something different.

I don't know if that says anything to you, or whether I am talking from my arse.

Forgive me.

As for the insomnia... well... nothing ever REALLY worked for me other than these new wonderful chemicals I am flooding my body with.

But I can suggest music. Music is always theraputic. Listen to something that makes you the happiest while going to sleep.

That, and a hell of a lot of exercise in the day. That usually tires one out.

Hope some of this helps.


11:04 PM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

OK, I don't know you at all, I'm just a creative type into the workings of the subconscious. My initial reaction to your dream was like Lissa's.

I think the betrayal scenario is a manifestation of feeling betrayed by your own body. You're struggling with infertility, you've been sick a lot lately and can't trust your own health. I think the chasing and running is the evil biological clock and midlife concerns surfacing--that sense of running out of time and feeling like your goals are pursuing you in a scary way rather than you pursuing your goals (baby, work) in a positive way.

Sounds awful. I'll try to channel anti-depressant vibes your way so you get the benefits without the risks. ;)

12:07 AM  
Anonymous m said...

I think Lissa really is on the right track - and v-grrrl! That's basically what I would have said.

As for going to sleep (at the right time), all I can suggest is more exercise during the day, a nice warm bath before bed, and good s*x! ;-)

I don't know if you've listened to that Paul McKenna CD I sent you yet, but it always sends me to sleep. I don't think I've ever heard the second half! (Not conciously, anyway.) And I don't always wake up when he gets to the counting backwards from 10 to wake you, either!

Sorry, I would say more but this is so difficult to type! I have some really painful splits on my finger tips :-( (Like MB gets. That damn 'gene pool thing', as your Mom says!)

2:53 AM  

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