Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Three months old and the end of maternity leave

I realized as I sat down to write the inevitable "My Baby is Three Months Old" post, that as a new mother, you really run the risk of alienating everyone who just is not all that interested in your baby. I guess my blog has taken the expected turn into a "mommy blog", but I refuse to view that as all bad.

I may go on ad nauseum about the genius of the Bumbo chair, or enjoy the rantings of my fellow sleep-deprived warriors in the battle of the bedtime, but that's just life. I've changed. FOREVER. And I sure did ask for it.

But I can remember a time when I looked at the umpteenth pic of someone's baby and thought, yeah, it's a baby. I mean they're little and they don't do much and their expression hardly changes. So what do you say?

But when it's YOUR baby, well of course she's the most gorgeous thing in the world, and would you like to see some pictures?

I can't help it.

It's a fascinating, ever changing life...this whole new mommy thing. NOTHING is the same. I go back to work next Monday and I have yet to truly give in to that. I'm trying desperately to see if part-time work may be an option for me, but it's pretty doubtful.

In the last few months, I could tell you exactly how many times I've left the house and not really have to use a second hand to count. And if it weren't for doctor appointments, I don't know that I'd ever get out.

I pretty much spend my days feeding and changing Keira. And if I'm lucky, I get a shower. Hair is done about once a week. Makeup? Um, about once a month? Yesterday was my 4th anniversary with Mr. Blogger and we ordered a pizza. Woo hoo!

And yet here I am, fighting to be able to continue this existence full time. I would give anything in the world to stay home with my baby. I have another two months of my Mom taking care of her until she goes back home to another state, but then it's off to daycare in July. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I think of her with a "stranger", I lose it. It wouldn't matter if it were Mary Poppins. I want her with ME.

It's VERY strange for me to admit that I want to stay home (and please know that I am a HUGE proponent of letting mothers make the whole "working mom decisions" for themselves and making sure we support them in those decisions). I have had so many self-esteem issues in my life, but the one area I was always able to gain some semblance of self worth was initially school and then work.

So to say I'm willing to toss that is a huge change of stance for me. I ALWAYS thought I would want to go back to work and would need the adult interaction. I never thought I'd be so attached to my baby.

This last month Keira had her first shots and I just about thought I would die. I tried to be quiet because I didn't want to scare her, so as the tears streamed silently down my cheeks and MB held her down, I wanted more than anything to take away the pain from my poor little unsuspecting baby. I wonder sometimes how I'll ever make it through all the (I'm sure) much more difficult matters to come.

But she's a tough one, our little Keira, and took it like a trouper. In much the same way everyone says, "Oh, she'll be fine" with my leaving to go to work every day, she's not the one I worry about.

So here's my attempt at sharing exactly what I'll miss most. The funny thing is that I thought I was taking a picture in this first one and had no idea I had the video feature switched on the camera (I've never used it!), so that's why it's bouncing all over the place and why you hear me say "I didn't click it." I thought the camera didn't work. What a dork.


Here I have a little more practice, and yet still can't keep the camera still. I was trying to get her "talking", but wouldn't you know after all kinds of chatter, she clammed up when the video started. I especially enjoy the "You did WHAT?" head tilt towards the end.

I love you, my baby. Starting Monday, be good for Grammy. And don't be alarmed if when you see me, I scoop you up and won't let go.