Friday, July 21, 2006

All ultrasounds. All the time.

(Seriously. I'm about to retitle my blog "This Week's Beanie Action.")

We had another ultrasound today and I was actually so nervous about it, I hadn't even wanted to blog the fear. It's just so scary and terrifying every time I watch that screen and pray to see SOMETHING. There have just been far too many times that I didn't.

To start though, the doctor first tried the doppler over my abdomen to see if we could hear the heartbeat and after pressing the crap out of my midsection...nothing.

I was literally shaking as we walked to the ultrasound room. Even though she said it was entirely common not to hear anything this early (10 weeks, 5 days and counting), when she then had trouble getting anything on the monitor, I swear, I was THIS close to passing out.

She complained about my strangely shaped uterus (news to me!) and then...finally...there was Beanie. Heartbeat flashing away. I am apparently pregnant with E.T.

But get this. Beanie is an actual, like, BABY. Ok fetus. But you get my point. (And did you know that this week I officially went from embryo to fetus? The things you learn from obsessing, I tell ya'.)

I mean, she/he/whatever isn't a kidney bean anymore. There were ARMS. And LEGS. And a HEAD.

And then she/he/whatever JUMPED. Like a hiccup or something.


That has suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.

And while I allowed myself the requisite 12 hours of joy, I am of course on to new worries. Like next Thursday's Nuchal Scan. But one hurdle at a time.

In the meantime, I hope and pray you don't find this a bit indulgent, but I have to be honest that the last couple weeks have been, well, hellish. I am so torn because I feel as though I'm not allowed to complain. I should feel LUCKY and BLESSED. And I do. Really. Obviously. Beyond belief.

But Beanie. Can we chat for a sec? We all know that you rule the roost. In every way possible. And I will do everything and anything for the rest of my life to make sure you are happy and healthy.

But you're kicking my ass.

First there was the Gestational Diabetes diagnosis and the constant finger pricking I have to do now. It's's just a little tough to hear the dietician tell me I need to stop eating so many carbs when I'M A VEGETARIAN AND THAT'S THE MAJORITY OF MY DIET.

And I bet you didn't know you could have diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Or ravenous hunger while nauseous?

Then there's the constant and never-letting-up vomit-o-rama. It's especially fun when I'm working. (This had to be one of the first times a doctor asked why I'd LOST weight at a check up.)

I cried my eyes out last weekend because I felt SO DAMN GUILTY for being sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I just broke down.

PLEASE don't think I don't know how lucky I am to even be in this position. I keep telling myself that if there's a healthy baby at the end of this, it was ALL worth it. And it is. I guess I never realized it would be so hard.

Ok, it's off my chest. So now, little hiccupping Beanie. Do what you gotta do. I can take it.

But if you could let me eat like, a WHOLE bagel, that would be awesome.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Houston...we have a heartbeat

I know you can't see a damn thing and really, well, Beanie is only someone a mother (or a father...ok or grandma) could love at this point. But if you look at the bottom left where the "cross, dot, dot, dot, cross" measurement is, there's a blob with a bright spot.

The blob is my perfectly sized eight week, four day old Beanie. That bright spot, my wonderful friends, is a heartbeat. Honest.

You see, this is the first time ever that we've been able to see such a wonderment.

I can't even begin to tell you what that means to us. I cried on the table and told the doctor that it was the first time I've ever cried over something GOOD at an ultrasound.

I know that if it's at all in the realm of possibility to have good thoughts and prayers lead to this, well, I don't know that I'll ever be able to thank you enough. Now, that doesn't mean you can start slacking, mind you. We have quite a few hurdles to go.

For now though, THANK YOU. To anyone and everyone who wished we'd see this day. It's truly a miracle.

But lest you think me too optimistic...I of course only allowed myself about an hour of happiness before I got online and Googled "chances of miscarriage after heartbeat". It's a hard habit to break.