Missing

Jeez...I can't believe it's been three whole weeks. But thanks for checking in on me, and your comments wondering where I'd gone were very touching. ;)

Truth is...I was bumming. We were semi-all set to go on the IVF thing when the financing kinda fell through at the 11th hour and I was pretty devastated. I spent a whole day off work just crying and alternately vomiting. If that tells you anything.

It's no one's fault really. And I feel selfish for being so wrapped up in my own issues, but it just felt so disappointing to have worked up to it, only to have the rug pulled out from under us. I'm only human.

And it took me some time, but I finally had to let go. I had to tell myself that it's just a detour and it WILL happen eventually. This was all just out of our hands for now. It obviously wasn't meant to happen so quickly. Or something equally mature-sounding.

But that was a while ago, and I haven't had the energy/time/motivation to feel I had anything of interest to say since.

Then I got to meet Teebs. Mr. Blogger and I met her for dinner while she was here on business and I can't tell you how lovely she is. But then you already knew that. It was wonderful to meet her in person and finally talk about all the things we'd emailed or blogged about. I wondered if I overwhelmed her with my talkativeness (I can't help it), and I was so worried about what she would possibly write about our meeting...I needn't have worried. She is the epitome of grace.

Speaking of MB, he's in London for a few days visiting his kids and as many relatives/friends as he can fit in. So I've been really down since he left because:

A. I couldn't get the time off work (aka...I was too afraid to ask) to join him

B. Our anniversary was on the 29th

C. I just don't sleep well when he's not there

I snuck an anniversary card in his shaving kit, but it wasn't the same. We did go to Seattle and Vancouver last weekend for a wedding, so we said we'd count that as our weekend away, but I couldn't help but be sad we weren't together on the day.

Not that I wanted to take him away from where he is (his son's birthday was this weekend and from all reports everyone had a great time celebrating). I just wish I had been there with him.

In the meantime, he's bringing me home Jaffa Cakes and Marmite Crisps. What more could a gal want?

Except her husband to share them with.

No-baby blues

I've spent this weekend in a bit of a funk, to the point where I guess I was sighing so loudly and frequently, that MB kept asking what was wrong.

Truth is, it's all this fertility stuff.

I've kind of avoided talking about too many details, partly to not bore you, and partly to live in denial that I have to face it quite seriously...SOON.

I've written many a letter recently trying to get SOMETHING paid for by my insurance (the blood tests after my miscarriage were even denied by my HMO, so that should tell you something) and after we met with our high risk guy, I've been reading up on all the options.

But when we got out of that appointment, I felt as though I should just give up. The charts he showed us, where the angle takes a STEEP downturn at age 40, left me positively bereft.

I mean really, why bother? Apparently, at 41, I'm as good as menopausal according to their charts. Sure, I keep getting pregnant. Sure, I haven't had one stinking thing show up on any test I've done.

But I should just call it a day, I guess.

Except that I'm not ready to.

So that leaves a few options. Trying on our own. IVF. Egg donors. Surrogates. Adoption.

I'm not feeling exceptionally positive about continuing to try on our own. And not to say that I wouldn't miscarry again with any other method, but I feel like I need more medical intervention.

I told the doctor that I'm getting tired of getting a positive and then no one seeing me until my first ultrasound. This last pregnancy, it was only because I had done my homework and basically threw a hissy fit, that I even knew to have the beta tests done. I need a little more hand-holding than that.

So then we have IVF.

What's funny is that I've known some women I've worked with over the years who have gone through IVF and I always vowed I would never bother. If it didn't happen naturally, then it wasn't meant to be. Or some other such young, idealistic nonsense.

But here we are. We have the follow up appointment with our doc on Tuesday morning, and I have started to feel strangely terrified. I had a blood test after the last one, which he followed up with me by phone, and my eggs are fine, or the levels testing them are. Or...whatever, it's very confusing and technical. I'm about to become a Reproductive Endocrinologist myself, based on what I've had to learn.

So again, nothing is wrong with me that they can find. I don't know if that makes me happy or annoys me. I want answers.

The IVF would at least let us ram a half dozen of those puppies up there with the hope that at least ONE will stick this time. Remind me to laugh when I'm pregnant with quadruplets or something.

But the more I've read about it, the more it scares me. I don't know how to explain it. It's not the giving myself shots every night, or starting on the lovely side-effects of Lupron, or anything like that.

I think it's, well, what if THAT doesn't work? What if it all goes wrong again? What if we try and try and I just CANNOT END UP WITH A BABY.

We've pretty much ruled out the donor eggs or surrogates, etc. But then I said to MB, where do you set your end point? When is it time to give up?

I honestly don't know.

Maybe that's why I'm so terrified.

I STILL love my Bruins though

I was tempted to just title this "I'm depressed" and then only write that "I don't want to talk about it".

VERY tempted.

As a matter of fact, as soon as the game was over last night, I went to bed at some ridiculously early hour because I was so sad.

But what can you say, really? They outplayed us. It's that simple. There was no bad officiating to blame it on, or luck, or any other bitter nonsense.

Florida was just better. They were on fire through much of the tourney, so it wasn't entirely unexpected. Therefore, yes, they deserved to win.

I can't take that away from them.

(And it was very cute how many of you were concerned about me! I wore a black suit to work today, if that means anything.)

Our Bruins are a young team and there is so much potential there. I'm proud of how far they went and honestly, I never dreamed we'd be in the title game when this all started. So on to next year!

And really you guys, this sure was a nice diversion from all the baby-making worry and job stress and stupid foot problem I now have. I loved every minute of it.

True blue to the end.

Yes this film is from last week's game, but...

If you want to know what I'm experiencing today, this comes close...



ON TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME ON MONDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO BRUINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!